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This bottle
This bottle it sucks away all my ambition
But this bottle it comforts, when no one will listen
This bottle it drives them away
But this bottle is here, and it’s here to stay
This bottle brings out the worst in me
But this bottle makes it so I don’t have to see
This bottle it traps me and holds me so tight
But this bottle it makes things feel so right
This bottle I evil, I have seen it kill
Then why of this bottle, can I not get my fill?
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| The bottle will always provide an insight to your mind and life, regardless of what the doctors tell you… |
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Comment by: pitbull - 2008-05-11 23:12
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| nice..i can definitelly relate there haha |
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a uniquer and quirky piece. great rhyme.
I think you may be able to use a comma after "this bottle" for some parts as it reads like a break.
that aside it was very good. |
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| I enjoyed the constant defense of the bottle, and then the question "why?". The way the title is phrased, "This bottle", is really powerful. Along with the constant use of the word "this", the title makes me feel as if the poem is the climax of an unavoidable struggle that has been going on for quite some time, a turning point at which you must make a decision to go one way or the other. The last two lines are the best part; it sounds as if the question is a sign that the writer is realizing the horrors of what's been going on, but I guess you don't know for sure. A very interesting way to both complete the poem while leaving the reader in a state of suspense. |
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This piece has more maturity than some of the others, even though it is quite simple and straightforward. I would like to see the occasional use of enjambment here. This means you don't complete the line, but carry it on to the next.
e.g.
But this bottle makes it so I don’t have to see
all the things that trap and hold me tight.
It's just an idea to have a break from "This bottle"
:) |
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