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rupertdepaula
rupert de paula
Online
United Kingdom, London

Words: 119
Access: Public
Comments: 12

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Liquid - Wee Challenge 34

He could still remember his name in lights, neon beacons blazing above Broadway, ten feet high. Fate had blessed him with matinee idol looks; a chin to die for and rouge’s rapier wit. His smile had melted a thousand hearts and broken a thousand more.

“I even met Sinatra once,” he mumbled round a Lucky Strike, as filthy, half eaten cuticles fumbled with a battered zippo. The last few glugs of Wild Turkey sleeked back to the bottom of the bottle, slow and seductive, receding just like all his other friends had.

He watched a nickel flip in slow arcs towards his begging bowl, “Dude, aren’t you Joe Carnigan?”

“Maybe, in a past life.”

“Tough break, dude.”

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Comments  
karjon Comment by: karjon - 2008-05-19 09:12
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I loved this, Rupert - some great descriptions and a touching story.

But I'd lose that last line - the previous one is a much stronger finish, in my opinion.

Thanks for the read.

Cheers

Karen
bounarjaf Comment by: bounarjaf - 2008-05-13 10:47
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Overall, I enjoyed this piece, but the last line didn't work for me.
lancslass Comment by: lancslass - 2008-05-11 12:06
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Very good, well told and vivid. You have some great lines in here. It is all so believable right until the last sentence. Somehow, 'liquid' doesn't seem to be the right word and as far as I can see isn't needed. Probably just me but booze or something like it sounds so much better. Anyway, it's minor and I still really like this story.
krademacher Comment by: krademacher Online- 2008-05-09 20:12
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Wow, talk about a long fall. Well done.

Minor nit - I don't know about the verbs in this sentence: "His smile had melted a thousand hearts and broken a thousand more." [perhaps reword like this: "His smile melted a thousand hearts and broke a thousand more."]
alcarty Comment by: alcarty Online- 2008-05-08 09:36
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Cinematic, Rupert! I can almost smell him and his surroundings. There's easily enough material here for a much longer piece. Good work.
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By rupertdepaula

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