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Liquid. Karjon's Challenge
disclaimer: it's NOT poetry, lol. It's just a persons choppy train of thought.
There are long sentences in there so it's NOT poetry. Nothing rhymes,
and the long sentences exclude it from poetry anyway. It's marked as
flash fiction so that one knows it's going to be short sentences.
'flash'.
********************
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I love you and you know this.
How do I have to prove it so you know that I mean it?
Meh, I guess time will tell and what I do and say will hopefully make you see my way of things and that you're meant for me.
See?
I hope sometime something I say will prompt you to sit back and go "Oh God, why didn't I see this sooner... you DO love me. Forgive me for being blind."
Yes, I'll make you happy.
I'll let you be you.
I'll not scold you like SHE does.
I'll love you for you.
So what is the hang up? Can't we start now?
What else should I do? Just come right out and say I'm madly in love with you?
But... it would chase you away and then I'd not have you at all. I guess I'll just stay quiet and dream 'cuz at least in liquid dreams, one can have the world.
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-05-19 11:02
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I like it, Sarra - didn't see at as a poem as such, though yes, it could be if you wanted itto be.
I like Karl's suggestions, but there was nothing in particular that tripped me up.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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The voice is certainly strong. As for the poetry aspect, I see some elements of peotic voice - but, like you said, that does not make it a poem. My interpreatation is that is just that way the MC thinks. Period.
So, on to the critique...
"How do I have to prove it so you know that I mean it?" [Granted, this is a matter of writer's taste, but I would make this "How do I prove it?" Simple. direct. To the point. But them, I'm male, and if you follow "The Manly Thread," we're all simplistic neanderthals :-) ]
"Meh, I guess time will tell" [replace "time will tell" with a less cliched expression]
"I hope sometime something I say will prompt you to sit back and go "Oh God, why didn't I see this sooner... you DO love me. Forgive me for being blind."
[perfect, Sarra. Line of thinking comes through with blazing clarity]
So what is the hang up? Can't we start now? [well... I wish we could, but there's this small issue with my bookie... just kidding!]
All that said, this is a unique treat, Sarra. The line-of-thought angle works well. |
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Don't see it as a poem. More a stream of consciousness/internal dialogue thing.
Didn't comment on first read because of interruptions. Good idea here - one can almost hear the answers in the pauses.
The last paragraph is a bit heavy-handed,but that last bit "in liquid dreams,one can have the world" is excellent. Also, the para beginning "I hope..." has a similar heaviness. They just slow down the flow. (actually all the long sentences here have that effect.)
Cut those ones down,and you have an excellent piece!
BTW, the long sentences and lack of rhyming do NOT mean that it can't be a poem. :-) |
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Comment by: sarra Online- 2008-05-08 09:25
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| Definitely NOT a poem, haha. NOT A POEM. It's just short paragraphs and sentences. The mc is thinking, basically. It's how we all think. It's a flash. Just wanted to put that out there. |
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I thought it was a poem - wonderful free verse. Of course, certain stories can seem very poetic - especially flash pieces.
Very intense, this. (Looks like one of my personal diary entries.) In any case, you definitely get across the angst of the narrator. Well done. |
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