writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
sarra
Sarra Rohr
United States, Illinois, West Chicago

Words: 201
Access: Public
Comments: 4

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  




Karjons 30: Keys

Bloodcurdling screams still reached his ears even though he'd put distance between himself and the gore behind him. No matter where he looked, all he could see was the dark red/black ooze of blood soaked walls and flooring of the deep caverns; it even covered all of the items around him. Nothing had been spared.

Not even his sanity which was teetering on the edge of permanent abandon.

For now the man was alone and semi-safe; he was seeking a way out of this otherworld, his only desire to return to the Earth he knew of. All he knew was that he'd gone to sleep and woke up in literal hell.

"Do not let the living one escape." The dead, gutteral voice suddenly permeated both the room and the man's mind, causing him more fear. "It is not allowed to leave this realm."

As the man felt a breeze touch his cheek, he looked towards it and saw a small gap in the wall. Perhaps a way out! As he cautiously moved toward it, his keys chingled softly on his key chain, causing him to cringe.

It also caused the owner of the dead voice to look over his way.


Want to comment on this Flash Fiction?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Flash Fiction and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up






[Back to top]
Comments  
vlclasby Comment by: vlclasby - 2008-05-07 15:47
Add to Readers
      
I agree it needs some tightening, but very effective in creating suspense and *gulp* fear. Creeped me out!
Kowalski Comment by: Kowalski - 2008-05-07 11:46
Add to Readers
      
Super creepy. You could make this into a longer story.
WLC Comment by: WLC Online- 2008-05-07 07:55
Add to Readers
      
Sarra---Nice imagery here. (I've found this site gives a higher word count than my microsoft works count--so I always go with micro) but there are a few places you could cut words and still convey the intense scene you want to create.

One example: His only desire was to return to the Earth he knew of.----You could say the same with **His only desire was to return to Earth*** We're all from earth so we immediately understand with the fewer words.

But, other than cutting away some excess words (for the sake of word count and tightening) it's got a great creepy feel. I liked.
kentuckymike Comment by: kentuckymike - 2008-05-07 03:23
Add to Readers
      
I like your story, but I thought the rule were 125 word max?
1

Sponsored Ads


By sarra

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S