 |
 |
 |
| |
America
Some words to preface this contentious piece:
I’m not a priest, scholar, judge, or royal,
just a kid who has an eye for peace.
Never stepped foot on American soil,
but met people from there who I have found
to be brave, smart, humorous and loyal.
I love their films, TV, the heart-felt sound;
music about Omaha and New York.
And one about being Hotel Cal. bound.
I’ve had vivid dreams of taking a walk
in Central Park. I would love nothing more
than a road trip—the sights replacing talk.
We speak about Iraq, oil, Bush, war.
These things are out of our control, mostly.
Hard to fix or change, but how 'bout your law?
I look in the paper—something costly.
Costing lives not dollars. Clear as ten suns.
FATHER SHOOTS SON. Pictures, faces; ghostly.
Fathers I’ve seen hold hands, play with their sons.
They don’t allow them to be killed by guns.
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
| I love that last stanza. It was very powerful for me. I love the "father" image And how you used it. It made me feel differently about my country. This is great, almost lyrical. I think if the first stanza is removed the poem is perfect. I think a preface isn't necessary because you express positive and negative thoughts, thoughts any human would feel American or not, preist, scholar, judge royal or not. I enjoyed reading it aloud, too. Thank you. |
 |
Comment by: alien - 2008-05-10 02:47
|
|
Not sure what I think of this one yet. I love the sentiment and the subject, that's a given, but I'm just not sure if it really works with this form and the restrictions I've placed upon you in this challenge because there's a few places wherer those restrictions stop it working.
You already know I love your work so you know I'm just being honest and trying to be helpful.
I would recommend that you leave this piece on the shelf for a while and then come back to it after the challenge is over, re-write it in free verse and get the power flowing. It's there, it just needs a little bit of time to settle, I feel.
:) |
|
|
| Hey, Mitch. Glad you took another whack at it. This is a powerful piece and represents the heart-felt-feeling of many Americans. Thanks for sharing. I long for the day when differences don't cause death. The world is filled with intelligent people. It seems like someone could come up with a different solution. Thanks for sharing. Janet |
|
|
Nice one Mitch. I'm with you on the sentiment, it's a love-hate thing. The poem itself has it's own rhythm, not strictly iambic pentameter. When I read it with that in mind it doesn't seem to work, but if I read it straight it mostly bounds along with an easy natural rhythm, five beats to the bar, and I like it. There are one or two places where I think you lose this flow in an attempt to count syllables. eg:
Line 15, 'the' law?
Line 17, 'in' lives?
I believe that the poetry is in the linguistic flow and this should supported by rhyming and metrical patterns not compromised by them. (As the law is there to serve society, not to control it!)
Sorry, rambling on a bit. It's late. Thanks for a great piece. |
|
|
| good one Mitch. I think you have encapsulated the hopes and fears of many like me. A contradiction maybe. Ive always wanted to go but the longer I leave it, the less inclined I am to set foot there. I think you go to the heart of the matter here. |
| 1 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
