Liquid Wee challenge 34
Her crystal eyes gazed at the azure sky then at the placid sea. She stood on the strand, miniature waves lapping at her toes. Sighing, she felt the tracts of her salt water tears drying on her cheeks.
The breeze off the lake whipped at her hair, toying with strands of it as it lashed at her face.
She took a shuddering breath. Such peaceful waters could never be full of such pain.
The boat came silently to shore, four men looking at her with expressionless faces, one man sunk low at the bottom, shaking. As the boat settled on the beach, one of the four leaned over to lift the man on his knees.
Standing, he clutched the tiny body to his chest.
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Comment by: Thula7 - 2008-08-17 14:51
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| Thanks wgallant, I'm glad you liked it. As for the advice given, this was posted for a wee challenge, so it really ends up being popular vote. I have come to respect Karen's oppinion, whether or not I agree with it. But since she is the moderator of this challenge =) her oppinion has value here. Incidentally, I like this the way it reads, and since I didn't win this month's challenge, I don't feel obligated to change it at all =D |
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-08-16 05:42
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You're absolutely right, wgallant, that piece of 'advice' doesn't make sense because of the typo on 'of', which should, of course, have been 'off'. Hope it makes sense now.
'Keep in mind what Bobbie Burns said: "Critics! Those cut-throat bandits in the paths of fame."'
Erm, yes - but most of us put our work on websites like these to get feedback, criticism, even 'advice'. I have a feeling that quote referred to professional critics, not aspiring writers trying to help each other.
By the way, who on earth is Bobbie Burns?
Cheers
Karen |
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I must say I disagree with much of the "advice" you've received here. Some of it doesn't even make sense (e.g. 'with strands as it lashed of her face').
It is quite acceptable to shift from romantic to tragic without forewarning. Kee-riced, some people want everything laid out like a cruiseline buffet!
Keep in mind what Bobbie Burns said: "Critics! Those cut-throat bandits in the paths of fame." |
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| I found it riveting myself and liked the fact that I couldn't pin it -that you shifted from romantic to heart ripping. Nicely done. |
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-05-19 13:50
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Hmmm - I didn't have much trouble with this one. I assumed the child had been swept away, the boat being a lifeboat sent out to find the child, returning with the child's body.
I'd change 'tracts' to 'tracks' and I'd change 'with strands of it as it lashed at her face' to 'with strands as it lashed of her face'.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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