Jump
The young woman teetered on the rail. Car horns blared amongst the sea of brake lights on the gridlocked bridge. Helicopter blades whirred as news crews circled overhead, broadcasting to millions eating breakfast.
A mother delivering her children to school shielded their eyes. “Just get back in the car. Everything’s okay.”
Sirens sounded, moving closer. The young woman’s blank eyes stared ahead. She pulled her coat tighter as wind whipped her pale hair around her face. The crowd gasped as she swayed with a strong gust.
A delivery driver answered his phone. “Yeah, I’m stuck on the bridge. Some psycho’s threatening to jump.” He hung up, plugged the phone back into his hip. “Jesus, lady, just jump why don’t you! We have lives.”
As she stepped off the rail, a dirty pink blanket spilled from her coat. An infant’s cry pierced the air as both hit the water.
Want to comment on this Flash Fiction?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Flash Fiction and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
Thanks Niccole - points well taken. Hope it's less melodramatic and cliche now.
The business man is my boss. He'd push her off if it would get him to his meeting on time. But you're right. Too easy.
I hope the last sentence is still not too much. |
|
|
Hmmm . . . this is a wee bit melodramatic and stage-y. I think you need to calm down with the brand names and make things a little less obvious from the beginning. One of my favorite things about flash fiction is the ability to create surprise, because the small amount of words almost requires a little bit of shock. In this, we know what will happen--even the baby, the pink bundle--from almost the beginning. I just can't quite buy the satire here; I understand what you mean, and it's not a bad idea, but it's too obvious. CRUEL AND CALLOUS WORLD . . . HEARTLESS BUSINESSMAN . . . EVIL!
Sorry, but it's just not a very interesting way in which to get your point across. I do like how she's almost oblivious to the whole scenario around her. I'd like to see more of that tranquillity, or the harsh line between her calm and their hectic lives.
Edits . . .
The young woman teetered on the rail. Bumper to bumper at this time of day, the gridlocked bridge was a sea of brake lights. An initial cacaphony of horns gave way to murmurs as people left their cars.
A middle aged man stood in front of his Range Rover. “What the Hell’s going on up there? He scrolled the ball on his BlackBerry. “I’ve got a meeting in fifteen minutes.” (yikes, a bit of a cliche. The crass, overworked businessman is very real, of course, but not very interesting. He could be so many other people, or even a little concerned--he's too much of a strawman.)
Sirens echoed. The woman pulled her coat closer around her frail body. She stared at the water below, the wind whipping her blond hair into her face.(If you want to keep the baby, make it cry on the way down, not now. Here, it loses its emotional impact in her pain. But can you imagine it screaming for the first time when she jumps? Holy cow, that would be a punch to the gut)
The Range Rover man barked orders. “Tell him I’ll be there as soon as I can. Some bitch is threatening to jump off the fucking bridge.” He hung up, plugged the BlackBerry back into his hip. “Jesus, lady, just jump why don’t you! We have lives.” (Again, I understand the brutality you're going for, but it's too easy. I think she's more important than the crowd--make her stand out strongly against their blurry, noisy background, a lone figure against the static.)
She stepped off the rail. (hmmm . . . now that I've made the suggestion, I can't quite figure out how to make the baby cry without being hopelessly melodramatic. I guess that can be your decision, if you decide to change it/ ^_^)
Thanks for writing! Terribly sorry for missing it before. |
|
|
Thanks, Karl and mike. I actually left 'the' out before Range Rover man, but worried that Niccole would consider it naming him, and stuck it back in. Paranoia. I sort of left it to the reader to decide if she dropped the baby in, or just dropped him.
I don't know where my dark side is coming from... |
|
|
I used to travel over the Golden Gate Bridge, everyday to work and back, I used to see this sort of thing all the time. Did she drop the baby over the rail, or just drop the baby on the bridge??
Thanks for the comment by the way. |
|
|
wow, that is brutal. Of course, I can also imagine it happening pretty much anywhere.
I don't know if you really need "Sirens sounded" or "the" in front of "Range Rover man," but both minor nits. The flash is good any way you dice and slice it. |
| 1 |
|
