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Breathe
This is still not finished, but any comments will be appreciated. Thanks!
I won't pray for a second chance
Only beg for one more glance
Let me scream past these tears
And dream of these years
Maybe I won't ever wake
And all this reality was fake
Take us back to where we used to be
Where your breath still warmed me
Quiet me with your kiss
Don't lose sight of this
Open your eyes and walk back to me
Back to our sea
I won't pray for a second chance
Only beg for one more glance
Let me scream past these tears
And dream of our last years
Maybe I won't ever wake
And all this reality was fake
Take us back to where we used to be
Where your breath still warmed me
Copyright ©2008 Anorin Arssinous
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Comment by: Aria - 2008-05-11 00:02
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Thank you Wildefriend for the read. I stated at the top of the poem that it is indeed, unfinished. I appreciate your view and your opion as well. However, with my work, I do like to repeat certain lines, words and stanzas for added imagery and emphasis. So, as you may have thought, it was not done by mistake, at least not in my work. I did have some trouble with finding the right words to rhyme, but I am happy with the end result. Also, as far as the poem being in progress, I am keeping the body of work and only waiting for more stanzas to put in to finish the piece.
I thank you again for your thoughts, as I do appreciate each one I receive. |
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| I feel that this is a poem in progress. it doesn't feel finished yet. The rhymes also feel a bit forced, and the fact that you repeat the first two stanzas at the end? Tsk! Tsk! |
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Comment by: JayBean - 2008-05-09 07:50
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Thanks - a nice poem - well balanced with its rhyme, a steady beat to it.
check out my "auckland weather" poem would love your comments.
cheers J.B. |
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