As Nikkei sat on the park bench battling the early morning cold, she drew her thick, tattered woolen shawl closer to her body. The sharp gusts of dry wind had peeled layers of dead skin off her delicate nose which now looked like a cooked tomato- wrinkled, moist and ruptured at places. Her cheeks had turned a deep shade of pink- not a healthy pink, rather a frayed pink, more like raw meat. The only things that provided them warmth were the hot tears that flowed down her cheeks, but at the same time, they pierced her eyes and the salt stung her parched skin. She had been on that bench for hours now and no-one had come to take her home. No-one ever will.

The grayness around reminded her of many a winter gone by- all as cold, cruel, barren and gloomy as this one. But this winter was different because it marked a catharsis and offered a hope of spring, flowers and a new life that might begin. She remembered the first time she and Ashvin had met at a friend’s house warming party. One date followed another and soon after their first meeting, they had decided to move in into a new flat. “Is it too soon”, she had wondered but Ashvin’s soft voice and comforting embrace had bundled all her doubts out of the window. It had been so perfect- the candle-lit dinners, the flowers, the beach holidays and the walks in the woods. Ashvin was the man of her dreams, her knight in shining armor. Then one day, during a break at the movies, he said something that left her mouth wide open. “Will you spend the rest of your life with me?” he blurted- balancing him on one knee and holding up a huge diamond ring to her. She smiled, nodded and they drove down to the temple the very next day to get married. The honeymoon was great, except for a few fights here and there. “All couples fight, it’s like a done thing,” Nikkei tried to convince herself but she knew things were not quite the same. Her darling husband had been acting strange, in a way that he had never done before. He would snap at most unlikely instances, answer in monosyllables (if at all he did) and treat her like furniture. She hushed up her fears and told herself that something was worrying her husband. “What’s the matter honey, you have been really upset since the wedding?”, she snuggled up to him in bed and curled up around him, hoping for a similar response, only to be taken aback by a slap on her cheek accompanied by a rude reply. “Shut up and go to sleep”, he said expressionlessly as he pushed her away from himself, flipped over to the other side and dozed off. It was the first time her Ashvin had made her cry, but like a good wife, she decided to give him time to come out of this “passing phase”. Little did she know that it was only a prelude to a nightmare.

She waited and waited but things only got worse. Months had passed by and they had been living under the same roof like strangers with only one of them trying to strike a conversation all the time. She could not hold back any longer, she felt the resentment growing within. One evening at dinner-time, she burst out “what is the matter with you? Why are you doing this to me? I don’t believe you are the man I loved and married!” Ashvin sat on the couch solemnly, unmoved by his wife’s emotional outburst; rather it seemed as if he was waiting for it to come. He sat speechless, watching the cricket match and completely aware that it is best to strike metal when it is white hot. He wanted the temperatures to soar further. As Nikkei succumbed to her pent up emotions and broke down in tears, he felt all the more powerful- now he was fully in control. “What do I do to get you back?” she cried helplessly. “Time to strike”, he thought within. “How about transferring your family bungalow to my name for a start? You inherited it after your parents died, didn’t you?” he curtly replied with the trademark blank expression on his face. “This is not the time for jokes, Ashvin!” she cried in agitation but when she looked into his eyes and the cruel glint in them, she knew this was no joke. It did not take her long to realize what she had got herself into. As reality dawned, she suddenly saw him in a whole new light- this was a man who was driven by pure greed, he had married her not for love but for the prime property that she owned. She felt the blood drain out of her head and her knees buckled from beneath her. The sugar-coating had now worn off and it was time to face the truth. She had no family, no close friends and worst of all, no job! Where was she to go and what was was she to do? The past now seemed like a mirage and the future- a nightmare.

Gathering up every ounce of courage she had in her, she shot back. “No way! I should have smelt the love rat in you long ago. You were too good to be true”. There was no further exchange of words, just a hard masculine blow on her face which sent her hurtling across the floor. Before she could gather her senses back, the man kicked her ruthlessly and walked over her as he left the room in a huff leaving the fragile woman huddled up in a corner with her body trembling with fear and soul scarred for life. It may have been the first time but it was certainly not the last. She decided to move out and file for divorce. But Ashvin would not let her have it so easy, he agreed for a divorce only if she let him have the house and he would torture her till she gave in. He kept a close eye on her in case she walked down to the police station or sought legal help and locked her in whenever he had to leave the house. It was as if she was living in a glorified luxury prison- held captive in her own house.

Ashvin called her a whore, beat her up black and blue, raped her, degraded her in front of friends and colleagues but she kept mum because after months of atrocities, two miscarriages and a retinal detachment, all this had become as routine as the sun and stars, day and night and she could see no way of getting out of it all. Then one evening, Ashvin was out for an office party and as always, he had left her behind and chosen to take a female “friend” along as a date. Nikkei sat blankly in front of the television, browsing through channels but not really paying attention to any of them and waited for sleep to engulf her. “Anything would be better than a life like this”, she thought to herself as images of her terrible past flashed before her and she broke down into tears. She was just about to pop in her routine handful of sleeping pills hoping never to wake up again but she always did. Maybe she was too strong for some flimsy pills to kill her, or maybe, she wasn’t meant to die so soon. Just then the door downstairs clicked open. It was way past midnight and she knew it was Ashvin. Pulling up the covers, she squeezed her eyes tight and pretended to be fast asleep. Ashvin walked into the room, reeking of alcohol and marijuana and flung his clothes across the floor, just like he had flung her so many times before. “Get up you bitch,” he barked and dragged her out of bed and down to the floor. She scampered onto her feet and fumbled out of the room but he followed suit. “So you want to escape bitch”, he brawled in his slurred tone and pulled her towards him. Pinning her against the wall, he began to throttle her. She flailed her hands, gasped, spluttered and struggled to break free but even with the alcohol and weed, she was hardly any match for him. Her vision was blurring and she felt her muscles loosing tone. Either to give her life one last chance or out of pure survival instinct, she felt this overpowering adrenaline rush and gave him one last push. His grip loosened and her limp body started coming back to life. As soon as she regained consciousness, she bolted down the stairs and out of the main door. She did not stop till she was a couple of kilometers away from the house that had kept her captive for months.

And now, sitting all alone on the cold park bench, she was scared and in some remote corner of her heart, relieved too. As she looked up to a car-window, she saw her bruised and scarred face- a testimony to all those years that she had suffered in silence. She hadn’t meant to kill him. She might have hated him with all her heart, but she had never wished for him to die. She had pushed him away only to save her own life but he had rolled head on down the stairs only to end up in a pool of blood streaming out of a cracked skull. The sight had made her sick even if it had meant freedom, liberation and happier days to come. She could easily get around the law because it was an accident and Ashvin was intoxicated. She wiped off her tears and set off for the police station. She walked towards the gentle half-risen sun and allowed herself to soak in the comforting rays, stirring her soul back to life.

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