They had been circling the neighborhood for half an hour before Kevin slammed on the brakes, sending the car to a jerking halt. Rain pounded the windshield.

“What the hell are you doing?” Elaine yelled as she ripped her hands off the dashboard.

“I saw a spot and I’m taking it,” Kevin said before jamming the car into reverse, backing up, twisting the wheel to the right, and gunning the engine, lurching them forward. Kevin stomped on the brakes again and the car stopped with a squeal of metal on metal.

“You just knocked over that sign!” Elaine said and threw her hands over her mouth. “What is wrong with you? Are you trying to kill us?”

“Oh, settle down,” he said. He switched off the engine and doused the headlights. Jerking his chin in her direction, he said, “You’re wearing your seatbelt.”

Elaine shook her head. “Look, it’s not my fault you got lost.”

“I didn’t get lost.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Kevin, you took us to West Haverford. I told you ten times we wanted East Haverford.”

“You’re wrong.”

“I’m not wrong. If you’d let me drive we would’ve gotten here on time. But you said you didn’t want me damaging your precious –”

“Elaine, stop.” He turned and glared at her. “You’re dead wrong.”

Elaine returned his gaze and remained silent.

“We’ll talk about it later, okay?”

“Fine.”

“Fine. Hand me the umbrella.” He held out his hand.

She located the folded bundle and slapped it into his hand. “Your sword, my liege.”

“Thanks.” He removed the key from the ignition and fumbled the umbrella to grab the door handle.

“Hold on,” Elaine said, putting a hand on his shoulder as she stared out the rain-streaked windshield. “Are you sure this is a legal spot?”

“It’s got pavement and lines, doesn’t it?”

“I think that’s the city morgue in front of us. What if this spot is reserved for hearses?”

“Come on, Elaine. Who’s going to drive a hearse in weather like this?”

“But what was that sign you knocked over? Maybe this is a handicapped spot.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said as he opened the door. “It’s probably a 2 hour parking spot or something. It’s after hours and I’m not driving around any more.”

“I don’t know about this.”

Kevin’s face turned the color of a raspberry. “Look, I’ll check when we get out of the car, all right?”

“Fine.”

“Fine.” He aimed the umbrella out the door and pressed the release button, popping the umbrella open. He paused before stepping outside. “Do you think you can run fast enough that you won’t get too wet?”

Her eyes narrowed. “How about you walk around and get me, Prince Valiant?”

“Needy bitch,” he said under his breath as he climbed out of the car.

“What did you say?”

“I said I need to itch,” he shouted. “These pants have too much starch.”

“You said you wanted them crisp so you’d look good.”

“I’m going to look like an idiot when I’m scratching every two minutes.”

“Well, I thought you’d want to –”

“Just stop,” he said as he poked his head inside. “You’re dead wrong, okay? Just let it drop.”

“Fine.”

“Fine. Wait there.” He slammed the door and pulled his jacket tight around him as the wind blew the rain under the umbrella and into his face. Cursing under his breath, he trudged toward the front of the car. He had just reached the bumper when he stepped into a puddle as deep as a wading pool.

“Dammit!” He bent over to check his pant leg but it was too dark to see. “Just great,” he said and sloshed through the puddle to the front the car. He had taken three more steps when it felt like someone had smashed his ankle with a metal bat. “Goddamit!” He bobbled the umbrella as he hopped on his other foot, rubbing his ankle with his free hand. Peering through the windshield, he saw Elaine staring back at him.

“Turn on the headlights,” he said.

Holding her hands out like she was carrying a set of plates, she shook her head.

“Headlights!” he said again, exaggerating the pronunciation of each syllable.

Again she shook her head.

“Roll down the windows!” he shouted and made a spinning motion with his hand.

She tilted her head, and then nodded once. Holding up her own hand, she made a twisting motion and then pointed at him.

He patted his pocket. Oh right. He had the keys. Cursing again, he pointed at the passenger side and made a pulling motion. “Open the door!”

A moment later the passenger door cracked open. The tiny ceiling light activated, casting a dim yellow glow through the windshield – not enough to see what he tripped over, but enough that he could maneuver around it. “Forget it,” he called to Elaine. “I can’t see squat out here.”

“Hold on,” she shouted back. “I’ll turn on the headlights.”

“Yeah, great idea,” he muttered. Crouching down, he reached out and felt around in the darkness. His fingers brushed against a cold surface, like an old rain pipe at the bottom of a creek. He had slid his hand halfway up the pipe when the darkness flared around him like he was in the middle of an exploding firecracker. Covering the headlight with his hand, he shouted, “A little warning next time? Turn off the high beams!”

He could hear her say something but it was muffled. Probably fumbling around, looking for the right knob. And she wondered why he didn’t want her messing with his car. He reached back with his free hand and planted it in the middle of a mushy lump.

“Oh for God’s sake,” he said in a low voice. “Please tell me that’s not what I think it is.” He withdrew his hand and held it up to his nose. It reeked. “Oh, sick. Just what I freaking needed,” he said as he plunged his hand into a puddle and wiped it on the pole. He jumped to his feet and slipped, falling backward, pin wheeling his arms. His fall was broken by a pair of hands supporting him under his armpits.

“I thought you were going to wait in the car,” he said as he found secure footing. The rain splattered on his forehead. “Dammit, I dropped the umbrella. This is your fault, Elaine. I didn’t want to go to this dinner anyway.”

He was about to bend down to search for the umbrella when he realized Elaine’s hands were still gripping his sides. “You can let go now.”

The fetid odor drifted to his nostrils. “Did you step in that crap, too? They’re going to love us when we walk in smelling like a bus station urinal.” He reached up to pry Elaine’s fingers off his chest. “Come on, we don’t have time for this. I know you can’t keep your hands off me but – Christ, your hands are chilled to the bone!” Her hands felt like hot dogs left in the freezer too long and then halfway defrosted on the kitchen counter. “It’s not even that cold out. What the hell did –” He stopped as his fingertips brushed against something hard and dry. Her wedding ring? No, wrong hand. And this was longer than a ring. It felt like a chicken bone.

Honk, honk!

Kevin’s head turned toward the car and he glanced through the windshield. Elaine was inside, waving at him, her eyes wide like she’d seen a ghost. She pointed behind him. It felt like he was moving in slow motion as Kevin turned his head further over his shoulder until he saw the face of the person holding him upright. One eye stared back at him. Where the other eye should have been was an empty socket.

“Shit!” Kevin shouted and pulled away, smashing his other ankle against the sign post and falling onto his back with a thud. He looked up and found the thing staring down at him. Chunks of flesh fell away from its bones. One side of its head was bald, while the other was draped with gnarled locks that hung like threads from an old mop. It opened its mouth and a half-eaten tongue lolled around between rotting teeth. A deep, keening wail rose from its throat.

Kevin skittered backward on his hands and heels. The creature roared again, flailing its arms around. It started toward Kevin. Spinning on his heels, Kevin scrambled to the passenger side and dove inside, landing on Elaine’s lap.

“Hey!” she said. “What are you doing?”

“Move over. Move move move!” Before Elaine could slide all the way into the driver’s seat, Kevin had twisted around and slammed the door behind him. He panted and wiped mud off his forehead.

“What was that thing?” Elaine said as she squinted through the windshield. “And where did it go?”

“I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.”

“Kevin, calm down,” she said as if talking to a child.. “Stay with me.”

“Didn’t you see that thing?” His eyes bugged out and his jaw hung slack, making him look like a startled tree frog. “It tried to kill me!”

“I don’t know about that. It didn’t really look like it wanted to hurt you.”

“Are you kidding me? It’s a frigging monster.”

“It looked like it was trying to talk to you.”

“Yeah, it was saying ‘I want to eat your brains.’”

“Oh, now you’re just being obtuse.”

“I am not. You’re dead wrong, Elaine.” He glanced out the windshield. “Just get us the hell out of here before it comes back.”

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean, you can’t?”

“You have the keys.”

“Oh. Oh, right.” He stuffed his hand into his pocket and fumbled around until he located the keys. As he pulled them out, the passenger door thudded with a sound like slabs of meat falling on a metal floor. Startled, Kevin dropped the keys. He glanced to the right and saw the decomposing face pressed against the window, its mouth moving, its fist pounding on the roof.

“Shit shit shit.” Kevin covered his head with his hands and rocked back and forth. “We’re going to die, we’re going to die.”

“Kevin!” Elaine grabbed his shoulder. “Snap out of it!”
Peeking under his arm, he saw Elaine giving him a stern look.

“It’s not attacking,” she said. “Look.”

Slowly, he turned back to the window. The creature had one hand shading its eyes, the other hand waving back and forth. Its mouth continued to twist while it uttered a growling wail.

“What’s it doing?” he said.

“It’s trying to tell us something.”

“That it wants us out of the car so it can eat us?”

“It’s not going to eat us, Kevin.” Elaine glanced in the rear view mirror. “Did you know there’s a car behind us?”

Kevin twisted around in his seat. He could make out the headlights through the rear window. “Thank God. Someone’s come to save us.”

“They’re just sitting there.”

Glancing back at the passenger window, Kevin saw the creature had vanished. “Oh, no,” he said. “It must have eaten them when they opened their door. Once it’s done with them it’ll come back for us.”

“Kevin.”

“We have to get out of here.” He bent over and searched for the keys. “Come on. They have to be here somewhere.”

“Kevin.”

“Quiet, Elaine. Let me think.”

“Kevin!”

“What?” Kevin snapped his head up and glared at her.

“Look,” she said in an even tone and jerked her chin at the windshield.

Outside, the creature had tilted the sign upright and twisted it to face them. One bony finger underlined the words.

They read, “No Live Parking.”

Kevin glanced up at the creature’s face. Its lips drew back in a snarl and it tilted its head. Its lone eye narrowed.

“Kevin.”

Blinking, Kevin looked at Elaine.

“Find the keys. Now.”

It took a moment for Kevin to process but finally he said, “Yeah. Okay.” It took another minute to locate the key ring and hand it to Elaine.

Right,” she said as she snatched it from him, located the correct key, and stuffed it into the ignition. Giving the engine an extra rev, she shifted into reverse and backed the car into the street. As she turned, she pulled alongside the other car.

Glowering from the driver’s seat was another creature, fleshier than the other but missing its left ear. Though it lacked an upper lip, its sneer was evident.

“Say you’re sorry, Kevin.”

Kevin glanced at Elaine with a look like he’d been slapped.

“Now, Kevin.”

He turned back to the other car and said, “Sorry.”

The creature shook its head and pulled into the parking space.

“Next time,” Elaine said as she shifted gears and drove away. “I’m driving.”

THE END

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