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My Dying Wish (Alien's Poetry Challenge 15)
Return my bones to the land of my youth
When my heart stops feeding these weary veins
And when death is my only certain truth
When my soul cannot bear this city's pains
Burry me under the purple sage brush
In the fertile soil of the High Plains
Or set me to sail in a loving rush
Down the arroyos forgiving moist clay
Kiss me dear and give me a gentle push
Let my bones be absorbed by caliche
Far beneath the yuccas and prickly pears
Of the vast prairies where I used to play
Among the prairie dog's family lairs
And the ground nesting owl’s peaceful den
Is where my ghost will have no earthly cares
Only to stare at the perched cactus wren
Next to succulent button bloomed flower
Where the beauty knows not when to say when
In a land where days feel like an hour
My body yearns for the ultimate rest
Neath sunsets over mountains which tower
When the day is near end look to the west
And know this is where I was happiest
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It doesn't fit the meter?? Oh, this iambic pentameter will be the death of me.
I thought the poem was brilliant. Again, I think you have a winner with:
'Where the beauty knows not when to say when'
It stood out so beautifully to me.
There is some language which I don't understand (and I probably should get a dictionary out) but it didn't bother me, because the piece was so rich.
I also don't like contractions much but I do have one exception...'neath. haha
worked for me. Good work. :) |
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Comment by: Dante - 2008-05-10 09:17
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Forced isn't the word, Janet. This is the first rhyming poem that I have written in years. I thought I would give it a shot in homage to the great Dante Alighieri. Oh, and that is a picture of my grandson. Just kidding! Thanks for reading, D.
Alien, I typically don't punctuate very much. But, I could see how punctuation would would be useful in this traditional style. Let me take this piece to the cleaners and see what I come up with. Thanks for the crits, D. |
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Comment by: alien Online- 2008-05-10 03:00
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One other thing. Neath?
Contractions aren't my cup of tea, I'm afraid. |
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Comment by: alien Online- 2008-05-10 02:57
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There are some absolutely beautiful moments in this and the romantic sentiment really appeals to me.
I wanted so badly for this to be punctuated. It would make such a difference to it.
This line stood out as being subtle and fully loaded: Where the beauty knows not when to say when
I love that :)
Unfortunately, because this doesn't fit the metrical requirements for this task, I am struggling to include it but that's not to say I didn't really enjoy it. It needs a bit more work in places, but on the whole, it's good work. |
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| Talk about sage.... Some of the lines seemed a little forced. I'm no expert, greener than grass, but I think--for example--that this line could be slightly modified without changing the meaning: "Kiss me dear and give me a gentle push" to "Kiss me dear, give me a gentle push." I miss the punctuation which aids the reader in knowing where a thought ends, or where to breathe. Those are my pet peeves. Other than that, this is really nice. You seem very young from your photo to be thinking about being laid to rest. J;-) |
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