Are Toenails Necessary?


Why do we have toenails? Many of us wear shoes, even socks. This has become a habit for those of us who are not tree-dwellers. Why would even a tree-dweller need toenails? I doubt that our arboreal cousin would get much help from those puny appendages. I have watched the Polynesians go after coconuts and it's the wide-apart toes, the hand-like feet that allow that agility in scampering up and down the trunk of a coconut-palm; also nervousness, and not having much else to do.

When you look at it seriously, the coconut is not that great in the grand scheme of things; not worth climbing that really high tree for. Shooting them down with a .22 pistol seems not only more sporting, but somehow more civilized. I mean, look at you, (or me, if you like) making a big damn fool of yourself (myself) climbing a tree, ludicrous in itself, but for what- a coconut? Please.

Let it suffice that I don't think toenails are good for anything but guaranteeing the future of the sock industry; and nail-polish for milady to adorn with garish Disney splendor. But couldn't she do the same without the nails? You know, just paint the toes?

Fingernails are at least utilitarian; for opening a jack-knife, extracting splinters from a finger, picking objects from nasal cavities when you think no one is looking (regrettable, when you see it in print), also a useful tool in the disgusting but unavoidable age-old custom of the removal of teenage dermal eruptions (yes, zits!). It had to be said.

Certainly a preferred form of torture should be mentioned here. What self-respecting torturer, from Genghis Khan to Tojo's minions would have stooped so low as to slip bamboo slivers under toenails! Unthinkable! Gauche! Certain traditions must prevail; and hygiene must be considered. Even the most determined sadist would think twice about removing a combat boot from a G.I. foot, a foot that might not have seen daylight (or soap) for many days.

The question of toenails may not have been put forth before; it makes me a sort of pioneer. Or maybe I should find something else to ponder. Like the justification for the appendix or ear-hairs. There’s not much I can do about these things, I know. Now, where did I put the clippers?

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