The Key to Oblivion (Wee Story 34 Keys)
124 wds.
_ _ for italics.
Don't think about heroin. And you would not believe the glare bouncing off the swimming pool and my phones set to speaker and my agent James says, “It's a good role, the brainy daughter.”
“I know.” Heroin.
“Jump on it. Rehab was three months ago; you're ready and- ”
Flames, silver spoon; _the melt_; the frothy liquid; the smell of it cooking makes me drool every time.
Um... thoughts of family trigger plump vein, needle, pain; the push. Bliss.
Rule Three: act like a person.
Don't scream.
Parts of me feel dead. Don't think about killing myself. Oops, just did. “I'll do it, I want the job.”
Light rocked across the powder on the table. My key to _brain-truce_; to- what?
_Serentity_.
Oblivion.
Peace.
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-05-22 14:01
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I love the fragmented nature of this one, Tim - really made it a jumpy read, echoing the mc's jumpiness.
One nit - phones should be phone's, assuming you mean 'phone is' rather than plural 'phones'.
Thanks for a very disturbing, effective read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Fallling off the wagon is bad, hopefully the landing won't kill the MC, eh?
I like that the imagery and feeling here is subdued, while remaining strong. The active voice is gripping and natural, while not being machine-gun manic. truly well done.
Minor nit:
"And you would not believe..." [don't know abut the word "and" here. It throws me off. Could just be me though. Perhaps a paragraph break and start with "You"?]
Don't scream. [classic - spot on perfect]
Peace. [or pieces :-) well done] |
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| This made me very nervous, jittery, just reading it. Dark and edgy little story, Tim. Left me unsettled. |
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Comment by: WLC - 2008-05-13 09:23
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Nice, gritty trek through the addicted's mind. Another alternative to "Oops," is maybe "Damn." It's a stronger word to follow, Don't think about killing myself. (and one less word than "too late" for count purposes) Oops reminded me of Bobblehead Brittney lol
Don't scream---Parts of me feel dead---loved the dark thoughts in there. |
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To get italics, try sticking in html tags like this:
"Flames, silver spoon; <I>the melt</I>; the frothy liquid; the smell..."
See if that fixes things for you. |
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