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I'd bribe the Pentagon to get assigned near you
even just for a glimpse of you with your beauty
I'd spend four years in hell just so you I might see
I'd spend four years in hope that such I may go too
that 'twould be not the same as what we did knew
that you might see the same that I do you in me
and that once all this is perhaps then I'd be free
I'd forgo all I have so that that we may do
Though be it in hell's midst I'd give all to be there
even for just a chance even for one so vain
and even for that chance which is not one at all
I would give all I have to be near one so fair
even if nothing comes and I be in more pain
just for a chance like that 'twould not matter the fall
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I don't know who Petrarchan is but I will say
that after reading your poem I was very out of breath!
There are no breaks.
The rhyme scheme seems to work better in the second stanza because you don't get the "me" and "free" rhyme hitting back to back I think.
I don't think its creepy actually I like that it feels really straight from someone's mind and barely organized (even though it clearly is).
some things get kind of awkward when i read over them and they slow up the reading like
"in hope that such I may go too"
"that 'twould be not the same as what we did knew "
Did you consider trying to use "be" less? Again I'm not familiar w/the style you are after but anyways you can take it or leave it. but like here
"and I be in more pain"
"be in" could be replaced by a more active word. (Find)
in the first stanza there is a lot of "yous"
Anyways I enjoyed it and do not think it is creepy in itself. maybe the situation behind it is... but thats 4 u to decide!
A sonnet addressed to the lovely Caroline. Who by the time I am an Airman praying to be stationed at Davis Monthan Air Force base will be a freshman at U of A.
Is it a bit on the creepy side? that is what I am worried about. But writting a true Petrarchan requires describing a situation similar to Petrarch and Laura. That is my main concern.
