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Alien Poetry Challenge 15 Terza Rima (Brief Encounter)
My only wish I could again feel bliss
Inflamed by passion’s joys which once had sprung
Sensations were implanted by her kiss
The darting curious movements of her tongue
The firmness of the pressure from her breast
The ecstasy bursting from a mouth so young
And I perceived from deep within my chest
The fluttering stammering pulsing of her heart
Our secret longings we could not arrest
The sparks like errant fireflies did dart
Between us in a ballet oh so splendid
But soon I felt there was the need to part
Before we could engage, our bodies blended
Like smoke into the air our love had ended
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Comment by: alien - 2008-05-15 02:50
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Whilst I love poems about love,longing, sex, parting et al, it's hard to find a way of expressing these emotions and encounters without it sounding cliché and a little tired.
Love poems have been written from the second poems were invented. It was probably love that caused them to be invented. So pretty much everything's been done by someone, somewhere already!
So whilst there's really nothing not to like about this, it's just not new or fresh enough these days. It's not risky enough. Try finding a fresh angle to look at this subject from.
These were a couple of places when the metre cheated; you slipped a couple of extra syllables in which, whilst still keeping the rhythm going nicely, pulled it out of the realms of iambic pentameter. The lack of punctuation also didn't appeal to me as I think that this could benefit from punctuation (there is a comma in the last line - if it needs that one, then the rest of the poem needs them, too).
"The sparks like errant flies did dart"
I'm not into the use of redundant words like 'did' in this context. Because correct syntax would be '...like errant flies darted' and whilst I know you did it for the sake of the rhyme, this is an example where the rhyme is forced, doesn't sound natural to the ear and therefore does not succeed. Try reading it out loud - you'll see how archaic it sounds.
Anyway - those are just my opinions :) |
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