I give death
I give depression
I give discontentment
With the life they have now
Not good enough
Not far enough along
That's what I give

I've been a 'muse'
An inspiration
Helping them find their passion
A way to make a living
Doing what they love
The joy in their voice
But did any follow it?
What help was I really?
What did I give?

A good listener
A counselor
Asking the right questions
Letting them unravel their problems
Getting to the source
A safe space to open up in
Did what a shrink couldn't even do
What they only trusted me to do

I gave the best I had
This I really thought...
My purpose, my value
Help them transcend their past
Their pain
Heal a broken heart, a closed chakra,
A life long trauma

And I loved it,
So so much change
It took me as high
As I thought I could be
Gave all I had
Did it help?

Helped one trace
Her fear of death to its source
Thought we got somewhere
A week later,
More anxious than ever
Back on her anti-depressants

Helped another
Figure out her self-mutilation
“Why do people do it?” she asked
What did she really want?
What energy really needed released?

Did my best.. thought I made a difference
I was the first she opened up to about it
Took the convo deep into metaphysics
Water bursting through a pipe analogies and all

A few weeks later, she started again
Cutting for the first time in a year

I gave all I had
But what did I give?

Death?
Depression?
Shattering their ego?
Destroying their identity?
Taking their lives into chaos?
Bringing the pain to the surface

What I do for myself
I think they should have,
What they really want
I gave it to them

Does it ever really help?
Have I made a difference at all?
I've given the best of myself
Open and exposed
I've let it all out
Will it ever be enough?
What more can I give?

Never enough,
Never appreciated
Making no real difference
The giving addiction

Can be as addicted to giving
As taking
It's never enough
There's never an end

A fake smile
Sadness and misery underneath
A religious/spiritual ego is no different
Than a common thief
And an indifferent attitude
Yields silence.. but no permanent peace

I gave what I could
Did what I did
There's no end to this poem
It won't be wrapped up in a nice, neat,
Conclusive, little package

Why should you get the satisfaction
That I never did?


May 12, 2008

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