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| Good story, but one line makes me wonder if it doesn't need a word added or a different word. Not sure about word count because that doesn't seem to work on ER. The line that reads: "...where the woman had stood weeping her lost love." sounds like it should be "...weepling OVER her lost love." or "...grieving her lost love." Other than that, sounds like a great little flash of vampire on the run. Janet |
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| Hmm, this is creepy. The imagery is great even though I don’t like vampire stories in general this is such a strong scene, and short, haha,. I think the second ‘had’ in the second paragraph could be eliminated for a tighter sentence and an extra word. I saw that knife glinting in the moonlight and you don’t even mention that. I like the language, it’s vaguely Victorian. Good story, Grae. |
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I held the knife up to the moonlight. A single red rose flowered from its blade and fell to the earth below.
//freakin terrific..
for but a moment,
//bit overwritten..
thanks, this storys just what i needed at the moment.
:)
T |
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On first read, I cooked right through this, enjoying every bit. I was a camera right there in the action.
On second read, I slowed a bit and *looked* for nits to pick. I only found a couple minor issues (well done, btw):
"A single red rose... a siren rose" [unintended repetition?]
"I had been seen... the woman had stood" [passive verb choices that might be avoidable, but I think would take a fair bit of brainstorming to pull off] |
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the only section i think could be touched up is:
Instead of sinking my teeth deeply and feasting upon her vitality, I chose to err on the side of caution and retreat.
wasn't to keen on 'err on the side of caution' - not very vampiric.
other than that class |
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"Meagre Portions"
Offering a small glimpse of some of the words that informal grae - Graeme Sandford - has cobbled together over the years in an attempt to become rich and famous through his writing. Sadly, he is poor and unknown (largely due to his writing).
So, what are you waiting for?
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