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Interruption- Wee Challenge #35
“Can you tell me why I’m here?” I’d asked when they first brought me to Great Vines. I’d been sitting in a lecture of the catastrophic war of 2012.
“You have a genetic pre-disposition toward rebellion,” they’d said.
They pulled me out of University. They'd pulled me out of life, really, to go to Great Vines, with the airship jackers and the happi-u dealers and the protestors of mechanical revolution.
I’d never protested anything in my life.
“Can't anyone tell me why I’m here?”
Loudspeaker:
“The course of evolution cannot be interrupted.”
I must wait to resume. I will resume.
***Just a note, I am reworking this into a larger piece, so it will be changed in the future.***
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| Hi, Lindsay, welcome to the Wee Challenge. Well, I really like the idea in this story. It’s a clever take on the challenge. I think for the purposes of flash fiction, though, action in the here and now works better than looking back which gives a kind of passive, quiet feel rather than the vibrancy and action that is looked for. I think it reads like an opening and would in fact make a great opening for a longer work. You have painted an intriguing picture of an unpleasant future here. Anna |
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hi Lindsay..
micro fiction is mostly action happening in real time and expressed with *some* active sentences at least. the constant passive constructions are weak..
the storys ok though..
thanks,
T |
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| Neat glimpse at an ugly future, Lindsay. I think Penguin was on to something, however. To my eye, the underlying issue is over reliance on the word "had." Look carefully at this, and try to come up with sentence constructions which don't have 'd words or "had" in them. If you think it's unavoidable or takes away from a stylistic angle you're shooting for, that's fine. But, I think this would really shine without the passive verb intrusions. |
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| Thanks again, all. The funny thing is, when I started writing it out on an old scrap of paper, I had my opening paragraph finished, and it was already 100 words. Uh-oh. As it is, I like the structure enough to keep it that way, as I've said, there is purpose to my madness. However, I'm really thinking of taking this idea and turning it into something a little longer. I guess that's what these challenges are all about, right? :). |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-05-14 06:45
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| Good piece, Lindsay! You could take The Penguin's advice without "confusing and overwhelming the reader" since the information is the same, and it would make for a smoother read. |
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