Jack Interrupted - Wee Challenge 35
Wispy fog shrouded the winding streets of Whitechapel in a dank veil of mist. Unsteady footsteps echoed through the night. He tensed, anticipating the moment, as his prey approached.
The whore’s mouth was a dungeon of rotten teeth, “You alright there, love, fancy some action?”
He lunged, cold steel slicing through soft flesh. Her blood erupted, like a crimson fountain, as he removed her womb and kidney with a subtle application of pressure.
The sound of drunken singing disturbed him from behind. He snarled in frustration, his work was unfinished, his thirst unquenched.
No bother; there was still one more.
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| A tad gross for my taste, but a good job with your descriptions. Janet |
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Jack the Ripper is always good entertainment and this didn't disappoint. I hope you won't mind if I make a few suggestions.
"Wispy fog shrouded the winding streets of Whitechapel in a dank veil of mist." Wispy fog and mist as well. I think it would be more vivid if you settled for swirling fog and dropped the reference to mist.
“You alright there, love, fancy some action?” I agree with The Penguin - way too modern. She would be more likely (from my experience, anyway) to say, "Need a bit of company, love?" or "Fancy a good time, love?".
"He lunged, cold steel slicing through soft flesh. Her blood erupted, like a crimson fountain..." 'cold steel' is a cliché. I would drop 'like' as it's more dramatic without the simile signpost.
"He snarled in frustration, his work was unfinished, his thirst unquenched." I'd replace 'was' with 'remained' for better effect and the comma after 'frustration' with a semi-colon. |
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| Fantastic opening, and that second sentence is so graphic I love it. This is a good story. Only one crit which is ‘was’ is used three times in 100 words. I think it’s best avoided altogether in short pieces. Something like, ‘A dungeon of rotten teeth filled the whore’s mouth,’ would get rid of one and the second can be eliminated altogether without losing anything, only gaining a word. Still, well done, and a cool take on the challenge. |
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nice drabble dudely.. marvelous setting and of course who doesnt love the ripper. tightly written.
Her blood erupted, like a crimson fountain, as he removed her womb and kidney with a subtle application of pressure.
//lot going on at the *same* time here. hard to picture..
He (snarled) in frustration,
//not for me...means nothing of course lol everyone else on earth may love it.
its cartoonish to my ear/eyes.
love the rest, nice dialog.
peace..
T |
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yeah, been toying with the first sentence. had it as two at first, but the split seemed too blunt, and couldn't smooth it without going over the word count.
hmm...challenge probs.
thanks karl |
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