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Recall
The Wizard’s insects burned a new sun into the sky. A hundred thousand tiny beating prisms split and cast a dazzling electromagnetic storm. Buzzing sawed into the midday silence to echo the rattle of empty souls.
The cloud floated on the brink of incandescent aggression. They would pour the downward rush of wings into a pounce. They would etch their ecstasy onto the city below. The Wizard’s will would have them sting the hearts of men into his clutches.
But the Wizard changed his mind. A voice like millennium-old vinegar called them back. The cloud shattered into sparkles.
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| I appreciate this brief but quite brilliant characterization of the Wizard; it makes me think of so-called "fate" and challenges me to wonder if forces beyond my control do have power to hurt and, if so, if these power may in fact even seem arbitrary to our experience. |
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What a surprise! There are fantastic visuals in here.
My crit is the use of ‘They would’ twice and ‘would have’. That’s three ‘would’ in 100 words. JMO but I think those weaken this piece. I bet you can change them to active verbs to great effect. Something like: They must pour the downward rush of wings into a pounce. Etch their ecstasy onto the city below. The Wizard’s will forcing them to sting the hearts of men into his clutches. Not suggesting these words, I KNOW you can do better, but demonstrating the difference.
Anyway, I love the millennium-old vinegar voice and the cloud shattered into sparkles. An excellent story and take on the challenge. |
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awesome flash, man...some of these images are, quite frankly, amazing. like a acid trip in places.
2 (minor) crits:
Buzzing sawed into the midday silence...
- didn't quite work for me. ether change 'sawed' or try 'sawed through'
But the Wizard changed his mind.
- kill that 'but', it just ain't needed.
what a rush, though, for 100 words. |
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| Thanks for the comments. When I described the buzzing of the insects, I thought of cicadas, which, to me, make a sound that almost brings to mind a power saw. I changed the word order. Let me know if that sounds better. |
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Comment by: Arley Online- 2008-05-15 08:17
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Graphic description, Kevin, and good take on the theme!
*empty souls sawed into midday silence* bothers me. I'd go with something besides "sawed". |
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