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Finding Balance
Are you listening
This place will break you
It doesn't care how strong you think you are
Yeah I've been trying
But I'm sill here
No matter how bright your mind paints it
The truth is nothing beautiful
I went outside to get a hold of my thoughts
But the children's laughter drown out my best efforts
And it's sad I know, they will grow old
And eventually they will learn
The truth is nothing beautiful
You're not learning, You're not listening
Spinning under dark skies and bright lights
Isn't making progress, isn't buying time
You're not making any sense
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| it starts of well but the thoughts get lost somewhere around the middle and kinda drifts away in a different direction. In all, the choice of words in good but it could have been a wee bit more "held together". On the other hand, poetry is a reflection of the poets feelings so you can really not tie it up..can you! |
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Comment by: Somnius - 2008-05-14 18:56
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| I think you need to work on a few things, such as learning punctuation and when to capitalize and all that good stuff. Bu anyways, I don't much agree with Wilde. I enjoyed the poetry and I enjoyed what you said. "No matter how bright your mind paints it". I like that. In any case, I mostly enjoyed this. You could use some more creative imagery, though. Just keep doin' what you're doin'. |
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This is fairly simplistic, but it doesn’t say anything that really grabs the reader. You point out a variety of things but there is no color that rocks our world.. Why not describe what the dark skies look like and the bright lights? You must put in something that makes us care about you and your plight. :-)
FC |
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