Recall - Wee Challenge #35
“Hey, do you remember that cute little restaurant with the beautiful garden, and those awesome crab cakes?”
Brad rolled over in bed. “Yeah, that was great.”
“It was our first date. We saw that guy there. You know, Bobby’s friend, the one with the funny eye. He played football at Jackson State.”
“Yeah, that guy.”
“Todd, right?” Emma turned off the light.
“Yeah, Todd.” Brad pulled the blanket over his head.
“Do you remember I told you last night I was taking a test this morning?”
“Hmm.” Brad fluffed his pillow, then turned it over. “Yeah.”
“It was positive."
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Excellent dialogue, Vickie. I like the way you draw him in, get his attention before you get to the point, it’s a good way to deal with men, I find, lol. You left me asking ‘what test?’ and suspecting Aids. Minor crit: you could change ‘It was our first date’.’ for ‘Our first date, right?’ or something like it to lose the ‘it was’ explanation.
I haven’t read many other comments but just read yours to see what I missed. Pregnancy? Ah! I really didn’t think of that. Your last line is killer. It hangs there like a hydrogen blimp. Well done |
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| Thanks, Wanda - that's one way to see if he's really listening! |
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Comment by: WLC - 2008-05-16 07:54
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| Oh, you got to love the lead-in to she "breaking the news" to him. This theme would make a great collection of shorts. I liked. |
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Thanks Ryon - This story could have been much longer, if not for the 100 word limit. Poor Brad endures the 20 questions each night and just wants to go to sleep. So he tries to ignore, act like he's asleep, etc.
Tried to pull it off with just dialogue and subtle body language, and no internal thought. I may expand on it. I'd hoped you didn't need to read both to appreciate either.
Thanks, Penguin. Props from you are much appreciated. |
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| :-) reads well - love the way "test" results just hang there. Excellent way of ending this one! |
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