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Least Expected
Jim walked through slimy shower steam. The locker-room was empty.
He sat in the corner watching warm water choke on his cap and gown.
There were no recruiters here.
His Dad wasn’t around to nag him about schools.
His girlfriend’s watchful eye could not see him in here.
The shower hummed lullabies behind him. Peace. Jim smiled.
The gun cocked. He stepped forward… Squeeze.
Devils echoed off the tile walls.
Heavy panting. Confusion… Lost.
Jim, threw the razor blade he held against his wrist to the ground.
Jim vomited in his mouth as he ran to get help.
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| Blimey, suicide interrupted by suicide? That was unexpected. Do I have that right? I like the line about water choking on his cap and gown, very visual and it tells us a lot. I also like the idea of the showers being a place to find solitude. (I usually found embarrassment there) This story is all too realistic anymore, including Jim vomiting as he runs for help. Hope it’s a wakeup call for him. Thanks for the read |
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Comment by: Apollo Online- 2008-05-20 03:50
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| everyone hated the last one so much I thought it was time to put her down and try something new... |
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This is an interesting take and a lousy thing to happen to a guy with so much going for him. You could start with something like, ‘Unbearably nervous, Jim waited,’ or paced, whatever, so you have action and avoid using ‘was’. Also, lose another by dropping ‘He was’ altogether in the next sentence. ‘A straight “A” student and Captain of the varsity football team; everyone loved him.’ Still stands.
Good job |
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Jim was unbearably nervous.
He was a straight “A” student and Captain of the varsity football team; everyone loved him. Still, he wanted to vomit.
//fraid thats all talk Vincent.. tell v show.
if this were a movie, how would it *look*?
Jim was unbearably nervous.
tell.
Jim's legs quivered..
Jim's stomach felt hollow..
Nausea rolled through Jim's stomach..
show.
those might suck yeah lol, but maybe it gets the idea across.
He was a straight “A” student and Captain of the varsity football team; everyone loved him. Still, he wanted to vomit.
//the narrator cant just talk that stuff, it has to be expressed in the flow of the story, with dialog maybe.
or internal dialog..
Straight “A” student, Captain of the varsity football team; everyone loves me. I still feel like throwing up.
Jim grabbed all his teammates' attention.
//"hey girls!"
or.........whatever. he can just *speak*..
or
Jim pounded the locker..
thanks,
T |
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couple of typos:
“We all know that you're gay(,) man. It’s no big deal(,) bro.”
other than that, pretty cool. |
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