1.
A moment ago I was singing along with the radio.
Then came the skid,
the steering wheel wrenched to the right,
the loss of control.
Now I have become a passenger in the driver’s seat.
I watch as the car veers to the right,
then it spins, and suddenly I am facing backwards
watching the ground as it passes away in front of me.

2.
Impact. Abrupt,
sudden,
jarring,
the car collides with the embankment.
And I think, Now it will end.
And now.
And now.

3.
The car travels backwards along the embankment,
its momentum unimpeded by the ground
or snow
or brush.
And now the car slides up the side of the small hill.
If I looked out the passenger window,
I might see the road going by;
another inch higher, and the car will tip, slip
and roll over.
And that will be the end of me.

4.
“Let me live. Let me live. Let me live.”
I pray it over and over,
with no real thought as to why;
It’s not that I know I’m not ready
(will I ever be?)
It’s not that I have something in mind to live for
(although later I realize there are things)
It’s instinct,
reflex,
programming.
“Let me live.”

5.
And it’s over.
(thank you thank you thank you thank you)
And not a scratch on me.
(thank you thank you thank you thank you)
And now I must find the cell phone.
And now I must talk to the policeman.
And now I must call my parents.
And now I must wait for the tow truck.
(but don’t think about it yet)
And now I must pay the bill.
And now I must wait for my parents.
(don’t you dare think about it)
And now I must move my things into their car
and into my dorm.
And now –
now I can think about it.
But I don’t.

6.
Three days have passed
and I finally allow myself to consider
that my life could have been taken;
that I was convinced it would end.
The memories have taken on an unreal quality,
stranger by far than any dream,
but have I ever experienced anything more real?
more perfect?
It was a perfect accident –
go a little slower, you miss it completely;
go a little faster, you die –
it had to happen just as it did.
And how could such perfection be found in the random?

7.
I danced with her.
It was almost a year ago to the day.
I danced with her not knowing what I know now,
not knowing the kinds of perfect accidents that occur,
not knowing there was a love inside her, and a child.
I danced with her, and the whole world was aglow.
A few months later, the impact.
The kind that lets you live
without even a scratch.
The kind that kills you a little bit,
but only on the inside.

1.21.04

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