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Interrupted (Karjon #35 Comp)
Frank Gibson cut the tape and the crowd surged forward onto the new bridge. As the mayor was saying, "That went very smoothly, Mr Gibson," they heard a cry, followed by a splash.
Frank rushed to the parapet and looked over. “Oh, no…” He shed his jacket and shoes and jumped in.
He arrived home late from the hospital to find his wife waiting for him on the doorstep.
"It was her, wasn't it?"
She tried to block his path, but he brushed past and entered the house.
She screamed at his retreating back, "You promised me, you lying bastard!"
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Four wases. Now you've pointed them out, I can't not hear them as I read. I was striving for a present continuous tone but will have to rethink this.
Thanks for all the comments.
[EDIT] Changes made. |
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| Another tight look at life and the prices we pay. It’s Karma, man. You have four ‘was’ in here, that’s a lot in 100 words. You could change word order here and eliminate two of them, ‘It was late when he arrived home from the hospital. His wife was waiting for him on the doorstep.” He arrived home late from the hospital, his wife waited on the doorstep.’ Something like that to create action and maybe more words, too. Thanks! |
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| Very well done. Even saving someone from drowning won't get poor Frank back in her good graces. Great story, Lee. |
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Comment by: WLC Online- 2008-05-16 08:15
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Gosh, didn't his soggy, fishy smelling clothing factor in?
What a bitch! Frank's gonna need the coast guard to get him out of this one. Very entertaining. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-05-16 07:34
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| Another dude in trouble with the little woman. True to life tale: no good deed goes unpunished. |
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