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Find Out
Contents copyright Lu Swart 2005
The old iron gate creaked open and shut, challenging me to go to it. I could still hear Sam's words echoing in my mind. 'Dad said that if you stick your tongue on the gate this morning, you would be stuck there until spring.' How I longed just once to prove Dad and Sam wrong. Sam was always bossing me around, telling me you gotta do this, you can't do that.
The gate swung again. I sat down on the snow covered tree stump to study it. My tongue would be wet and warm. It would probably just melt the frost, I told myself, like the warm milk hitting the bucket first thing in the morning during milking. Besides the metal bars on the gate were only as big around as a quarter, it couldn't hold me there until next spring! The image of my brother's taunting face saying, 'I told you so' flickered in my mind. Suddenly I knew the answer. I turned and ran into the house. I burst into the kitchen and asked my mom.
'Mom, if you think that someone is wrong about something and you think that you're right what would you do?'
My mother brushed at her hair with her doughy hands and said,
'Sometimes you just have to find out for yourself.' Turning back to the door. I opened it and then asked,
'What if you're wrong?' My mother smiled and said,
'Then you will learn a lesson you will never forget. Why are you asking?'
'Oh, nothing' I shrugged my shoulders and went back outside. The gate swung open and creaked, 'Find Out!' So I ran quickly over and put the tip of my tongue on the metal bar.
Sam and Dad were wrong. I wasn't there until next spring, my mom was right, my sore tongue taught me to never lick cold gate post. A lesson I have never forgotten!
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I really enjoyed reading this. It is very well written! It's great!
Just.. speechless. |
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| That was very cute. The thoughts were so typical of a child and it made me smile. At least he proved Sam wrong! ;-) |
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Comment by: alesha - 2006-04-10 13:06
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| that was really sweet. reminiscent of my childhood and the mother reminds me of my own mother! (cuz shes always right:) u can actually see the story unfold in your mind's eye, even the coldness of the snow and the iron gate. |
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Comment by: jjj - 2006-04-09 19:29
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*P.S. - I guess you've put this one 'to bed'. I think it's great as it stands. So...pretty much...disregard my comment, haha.*
The best word I can use to describe this story is 'cute'. Hope my suggestions help...
1.
??What if you're wrong?? My mother smiled and said,
??Then you will learn a lesson you will never forget. Why are you asking??
Change this to...
"What if you're wrong?"
My mother smiled. "Then you will learn a lesson you will never forget. Why are you asking?"
This makes your story more concise along with making your dialogue look a little better.
2. What could really benefit this story is a hidden background plot/issue/tension. Maybe the family is poverty stricken? Divorced? Who knows, you decide, but make sure to impliment it subtely.
Anyway, it's pretty good as it stands now. Only change things around if you're in the mood. |
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| A light-hearted story I enjoyed it immensely. |
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