Step 1: Keep it healthy. Keep it as far from McDonald’s, Burger <insert pseudonym here>, and especially Carl’s Jr. In fact, you’re probably better off raising the kid on a farm.

Advantages to raising farm kids:
·Strong, healthy diets to make them stronger than the horses
·Pure, relatively wholesome moral upbringing
·Essential survival skills and self-reliance established early
·IT’S THE FREAKING COUNTRY!

Disadvantages:
·The possibility of becoming a redneck, or country man
·Housing near “Jeb”
·Alienation from modern society, along with technology
·Constant pestering about how many cattle you’ve castrated

However, overlooking these relatively minor flaws in the plan, we move to step two.

Step 2: When it comes to educating it, vast multitudes of choices exist, from public school’s gum-besmirched halls to the golden windows of private schools. In the end, your better off doing the dirty business yourself. A few perks to help you choose this option:

1. If it asks you for help on its homework, you’ll know it hasn’t been paying attention and get to punish it.

2. You have absolute control over its actions for the majority of the day.

3. You will discover the joys of playing a bugle right next to its pillow and watching it bolt for the bathroom sooner than ever thought possible.

4. It will turn out to be the brain of the family, if not the most popular.

5. You won’t have to drop it off at the bus stop every morning.

6. You’ll save a ransom not having to purchase brown paper bags, (decent) health insurance, lunch money, lunchboxes, portable lunches and backpacks.

And if you’re worried about the social ineptitude of your child, read step three:

Step 3: To ensure that it doesn’t end up living in a closet, eating out of a tube and making strange (and possibly illegal) devices, socially exposing your child to as many awkward situations as you can will do nothing but benefit its development. A series of examples may help you in your work:

·Tie a string to its waistband (without its knowledge), and send it to the middle of the park. Yank the string to, as the expression goes, “pants” it in full view of the public. If it yanks them up again, repeat. Repeat until it changes color.
·If within a 5-year range of the proper age, send it to prom with an incredibly beautiful girl. Spike punch for added hilarity and shame. Note: gender of child is negligible.
·Take it to a party and insist as much as possible that you’ve never seen it before. Keep denying relation to it so far as to ridicule it. Stop when at home. Note: child may resort to suicide or violence. Act nonchalant, but have security string (as mentioned in first example) handy
And that, reader, is all there is to successfully raising a human child. With a subspecies, different gene pool, alien hybrid, or hominid, the general idea is the same, but different in application. The important thing, however, to remember, is that you are doing this for its own good, in the long run.

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