They say “The pen is mightier than the sword.” Well, one night while I was walking through a dark alley, I was accosted by a band of ninjas. I reached into my purse and found the golden weapon – a 99 cent Pilot gel-tip pen. The ninjas proceeded to laugh for five minutes, then one of them sliced the pen into two with his sword, afterwhich they snatched my purse and beat me to a pulp. I didn’t die that night, but I did sustain injuries to both my legs. “Whatever doesn’t kill, makes me stronger,” right? Not true. The doctor told me that this injury would have a lifelong impact on my ability to walk and descend flights of stairs. I was a track star in high school – now, I am by far weaker than I used to be. So “when the going gets tough, the tough get going,” they say…Well, for seven weeks in the hospital, pissing in a metal pan and watching Oprah until even my estrogen became irate, I wasn’t going nowhere! So, “to make a long story short,” I believed in those idiotic idioms and got a “taste of my own medicine,” and that medicine is morphine every three hours and even “getting up on the wrong side of the bed” is just a pipedream at this point, since getting up at all hurts so damn much! I guess I can “look on the bright side” and learn from this experience…Right! “When pigs fly!”

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