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A Dream
And I open my eyes, I see her face
for we lie in our bed after the night
and we were wed the day before in light
that eve took me out up somewhere in space
and on that mourn' heaven was in that place
for how felt I, that day, words have no might
to see her there was a glorious sight
when I pressed her to me I felt God's grace...
I wake and it has all faded away
I cry, for it just was but a good dream
her face fades from my mind as I still weep
I weep so hard as there alone I lay
I feel as though it were some sort of scheme
sorrow fills me as I slip back to sleep
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I like this.
"for we lie in our bed after the night"---this line is quite nice.
P.S. I don't take any offense lol.
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Comment by: alien - 2008-05-20 03:57
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lol. After reading your post in the forum, my curiosity was piqued and I had to come and have a look. I saw your comments about dactyls, anapaests, spondees and trochees and actually thought "here's someone who is either working too hard to get this right or just wants to show off their knowledge of the jargon."
So here I am.
What I would suggest is that you read this OUT LOUD, try and read each foot/pair of syllables in the rhythm of an iamb (unstressed followed by stressed) and you'll see for yourself where the iambs... well... aren't.
I'd love to go through it all for you but I don't have the time. There's a lot of work there if you want it all in iambs.
If you really know what all those jargon-based words mean, you should know how to apply them and you shouldn't need help in detecting where they are not what they are supposed to be. The skill then comes in knowing when and where to break the rules to make your poem shine.
Because, don't forget that the occasional trochaic substitution at the beginning of a line can add interest and it's okay to have a phyrric foot in the middle of a line just to push the flow along a bit better. And sometimes, a spondee at the end of a line can add emphasis, just as a feminine ending to a line (by adding an extra unstressed syllable) can soften a point whilst still pushing it forward.
And on top of all that, you've got to make sure the poem's engaging in the first place! Don't be so worried about the metre and the form until you've got the poem as interesting as it can be - used your imagery, chosen a fresh angle avoided the use of contractions and wrenched syntax to for the rhyme scheme etc etc etc.
Hope that's of some help. |
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| Hi JD I love the theme of the poem (sad, though). I'm not familiar with this particular rhyme scheme and have no idea what a trochee is, but the only thing that I found is the meter of the third line doesn't seem to match the one before it (unless I really emphasize the beats like "for we LIE in our BED AFter the NIGHT, and we were WED the DAY beFORE in LIGHT" and that seems too forced). I'm not crazy about the second to last line, either; maybe something more like "Is it all part of some grander scheme?" |
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