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Recall (WEE Challenge 35)
I sit in the dark bar, drinking a fifth of Vodka.
There is a pretty young lady sitting across the room, she looks familiar.
As I sit there I try to recall where I have seen her before and if she might be up for a date.
I'm so drunk, I don't even realize when I get up and head over there towards her.
“Hey pretty lady. How would you like to join me over there and have a drink? I am sure we can have a pretty good time if we try.”
“Jesus Christ dad, I'm definitely telling mom.”
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Well done! As Anna says, there is the use of the same words a touch too often for the length, and you need to watch the punctuation.
It isn't important in something this short, but think of how a drunk would actuall talk -
“Hey pretty lady. How would you like to join me over there and have a drink? I am sure we can have a pretty good time if we try.” may be reasonable English (except for the missing comma after Hey). but would he use words like "how would you like..." (more likely to be "Like to join me other there for a drink? We'd have a real good time." |
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| Hey, Carlos, this is good, funny and sad at the same time. A crit is you use ‘sit’ and ‘pretty’ three times each here in the space of 100 words. It does detract a little but it’s an easy fix and well worth the effort for a great piece of flash. Great twist at the end. Well done. Welcome to the Wee Challenge. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-05-19 04:52
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| Hilarious, Carlos, and a great first-timer! |
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| Thanks for your comments. Both of you have always given me good advice on my writings and I appreciate that. |
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Hahahahahahaha!!!!
that's fantastic!
nicely written. |
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