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Lamenting Heart Beat
Close my eyes; release, and just drift away…
Lost in the dark; gone in circles again.
Life flows out; the sun sets on my last day
I have one answer; one means to an end.
Lost in the dark; gone in circles again.
I need to get out- have to leave this place.
I have one answer; one means to an end.
The mirror reflects a void, my blank face.
I need to get out- have to leave this place.
My mind is made up. My soul is at peace.
The mirror reflects a void, my blank face.
Silent… just my cold, lamenting heart beat.
My mind is made up. My soul is at peace.
Left a note for no one; I don’t exist.
Silent… just my cold, lamenting heart beat.
Metal rains crimson off my fingertips.
Left a note for no one; I don’t exist.
Life flows out; the sun sets on my last day
Metal rains crimson off my fingertips.
Close my eyes; release, and just drift away…
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| Hi Vincent. You wrote: "...a void, a blank face" Seems to break the cadence of the piece for lack of a beat. What if you changed it to: "...a void, emotionless face." Just a thought. Otherwise the feel of it seems great. Thanks for sharing. Janet |
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Comment by: alien - 2008-05-19 06:37
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I like this apart from the transition in use of the lines from the first stanza in the last because the lovely atmosphere you set up seems to get shattered by the fact that those lines and the new lines intorduced in the last stanza don't really go together that well (in my opinion).
I love the lines, please don't get me wrong, I just don't think they go together.
I wonder if you could change some of the lines around to get more sense and therefore some power in that last stanza and round the poem off neatly, more neatly than it is at present.
It is a good atmosphere, as Danah said, but for that one crit.
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| Well done. Creates a very tight atmosphere and captures the reader. Excellent job! |
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