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Chapter 1, The Lonley Life of a Librarian
It was a chilly evening near the end of October that I wandered my way through the shadowy streets. Walking home at night always left me a little on the edge, perhaps all the horror stories I had read over the course of my life had encouraged this particular apprehension. It happened to be one of those frightfully foggy nights where every sound induces a skittish flinch and the hairs on the back of ones neck stand on end without any explanation. My black peep toes echoed menacingly as they clicked on the pavement, creating just the right sound to mimic a stalker. I pushed the unfounded trepidations from my mind and hastened the swiftness of my walk, mentally re-examining the aspects of my life in hopes of distracting myself.
This was not the first night I had resorted to this technique to prevent my imagination from wandering off and creating unsubstantiated fears. It was not that I needed to rationalize my life and the choices I had made to myself; I was quite content, in fact, I appeared happier than ninety-nine per cent of the people I came in contact with. Unfortunately, the rest of society did not consent with my lifestyle and considered me to be a loner bordering on reclusive. The few acquaintances that had managed to form a reoccurring part in my life were quite worried about me and tried to force me out into their world.
The small efficiency apartment I leased was not impressive, a kitchenette, a combined living room and bedroom, but I was so very found of it. I did not really require much else and it was furnished perfectly to my liking. It was located in a crumbling brick hotel building that at the height of its career was alluring and enchanting, but that era had passed on. Crown molding, bead board trim, hardwood floors and picturesque window seats were only the remnants of its grand Victorian nature.
Now, age had only strengthened its grasp on me and its previous disposition only piqued my curiosity. Quite certainly, it never saw the grand life I envisioned for it but I rather enjoyed fabricating it anyways. I could tell a tantalizing tale of unrequited love, betrayal and murder regarding a certain gouge one came to as they crossed the threshold of the third floor landing, as well as, an equally engrossing saga of the secret love of a solider who went away to war whose setting began at the second window seat to the right, in the lobby, where the sun shines in perfectly at a quarter past ten in the morning illuminating its occupants with an ethereal glow.
Nevertheless my apartment was to be favored above all else in that astonishing building, my possessions hailed from the Victorian period. My world was satiated with jacquards and baroques, burgundies, ivories and emeralds. I had continually been attracted to the old; old books, old furniture, even old clothing. There was something romantic about their past, a secret hidden existence that had worn away the edges leaving only mysteries of the events it had succumb to. There is such character in an antique; its decades of use have formed such individuality and character.
Though my belongings and the very nature of my life had such deep seeded roots in the hopelessly romantic genre, I myself had never ventured into that domain. It was not due to any defect in my appearance or personality, the culprit tended to be my slightly askew views on the whole subject. I believed in true love and Mr. Right, but I found it unnecessary to pursue love, searching for it and dwelling upon it. If one was truly to be the perfect fit for me, would he not cross my path on his own accord. It just did not make sense to me to waste all that time searching for the inevitable.
I like to think I used the time wisely, instead of pursuing men I pursued knowledge with an unquenchable thirst. I was fortunate enough to be the daughter of a college professor, my mother worked as a professor in the fine arts department of the local community college. From a very young age, my time was spent invading college classes, debating with professors and reading. There was nothing as revered as that library was to me, it was the first place I truly found myself at home.
I had finally made my way up to the top floor and slowly opened my door preventing Vivian Le Chat from escaping into the hallway. My only roommate came in the form of a very spoiled black cat with ravishingly long fur and a very haughty nature and this was one of the games we played. Well it is more accurate to say she played, because she and I both knew she had no interest on leaving the apartment other than the fun of hiding and watching me seek her. She had become quite profound in the art of hiding.
Tonight, luckily, I had impeded her attempts and there would be no need to ferret her out. I made my way to the kitchen to serve her a dish of her expensive kitty cuisine, while she entwined herself amongst my legs purring, anticipating her dinner. The price was a bit steep but it had done wonders for Vivian Le Chat, who had found her way into the world as a very tiny, somewhat mangy stray. She had transformed into a massive sturdy beast, who was the epitome of health.
My nightly routine seldom varied, come home, bolt the door, feed Vivian Le Chat, Light some candles, fill the bath and soak. The ancient claw-foot tub, with its aged porcelain, was my hideaway, as I submerged myself in the hot water and semi darkness. The water would scald most but I liked it that way. It was as if it melted everything away and what was left was raw and pure, and oddly comforting. The claw-foot was the one place my mind would relax and cease in its continuous train of never ending thought.
Emerging from the tub into the hot steamy air, I donned a silky vintage black robe and curled up in the armchair to brush Vivian Le Chat’s hair. After she had tired of this, I poured myself a glass of red wine and delved into the wonderful world George RR Martin had created for me in A Clash of Kings. There was not a genre that I favored over any other but one had to appreciate all the hard work an author put into creating a fantasy world, especially a good fantasy world that seems so flawless. I had read the four books in the Song of Ice and Fire anthology several times and always found them a delight, but I have to admit waiting for the fifth was antagonizing.
The next morning was as average as a morning could be. I jogged through the brisk fall air, my feet soaked with dew, following the same route as always. I stopped for a cup of tea at the local café and then made my way home. After briskly showering, I threw my hair into a ponytail and slipped into a simple black a-line skirt, ivory blouse and a double-breasted suit coat that was fitted at the waist, it was simple and elegant paired with a strand of pearls and some black pointy-toed flats.
I had a good job at the library, and as a benefit, I was able to read as much as I wanted. It did not pay the best but was more than efficient to survive on. I worked the circulation desk until close, then stayed on a few extra hours cleaning up, returning books and other duties what might find typical to a library. My favorite part of the day was when I had the whole library to myself; I would walk through the echoing isle ways engulfed in shelves of books. My favorite place would have to be The Cage; this was where all the rare books, antiques and first editions, were housed.
Only a few people had admittance to The Cage, and I was one of the privileged few. The musty old smell of the brittle pages weighed heavy in the air, it was suffocating to some but comforting to me. Many of the books had survived by mere chance as they found a home on The Index Librorum Prohibitorum and their brethren had suffered a fiery death at the hands of the Catholic Church. The subjects ranged from a wide variety of topics, philosophy, politics, history and religion, there was even quite a large section devoted to witchcraft and the dark arts. Those books where the most recent additions to The Cage, being acquired within the first few months I had worked there, about seven years ago or so.
A fancy graced us with his presence, well that is what I call them anyways, the kind of person that struts around with an air of self-valued importance. One that ignores the pleasant casualties and gets straight to business and their business required a lot of work on your part because they never knew what they were doing, one could get the impression that for the most part their lives had consisted of telling people what they wanted done and someone else doing it for them. They always carried the same attitude, as if by you being allowed to help they were doing you a favor. I always wore my little smile, did what they asked all the while I was secretly vomiting in my mouth.
This particular fancy, dubbed Mr. Donlohov was a lawyer responsible for executing the wills of the wealthy. Making my fortune from the deaths of others might put a damper on ones spirit, but not Mr. Donlohov. He smiled and even attempted a flirt or two to know avail. He was here on a different type of business than the library typically saw. A wealthy client of his, Mr. Demetrius Mortenson who resided in the Salem region of Massachusetts, had left the library the rare collection of books on the supernatural. The books had been in his family for several generations and he was the last of his line. I had found it quite odd that he had donated them to the public library in Framingham, but followed Mr. Donlohov out to his overly large SUV anyways. Mr. Donlohov waited as impatiently as possible while I unloaded the heavy boxes than sped off before I had even carted them inside, chivalry really is dead.
The sun shone down in cheerful little rays as I absentmindedly walked, my mind still absorbed in the world of Ice and Fire. The commute had been engraved into me so I could navigate unintentionally. I greeted sweet elderly Mrs. Baxter, who worked first shift, as I entered the old building. The library was not the largest but was welcoming and inviting, the perfect environment for one to cozy down and delve into a good book. Just being here, hearing the merry click of my heels on the smooth tile, made me smile.
“Good morning Emmeline, there is quite a gentlemen waiting at the desk. He said his father was a friend of Mr. Mortenson’s and he would like to go down to the cage and look at the books Mr. Mortenson left us.” She said with a mischievous smile. That particular smile always meant it was an attractive gentleman that she had saved just for me to wait on. Mrs. Baxter did not think it right for me to spend so much time alone. Despite protests, she tried to fix me up with every semi-attractive man that walked through the door.
She was right; he was very attractive, but a fancy too still there was something dark and mysterious about him. He was tall and slender but still well built. Long dark hair hung haphazardly over a pair of piercing dark eyes that carried a sense of sadness. I could not tell his age but I would put him around his thirties. He was dressed in a sleek black suit with barley noticeable silver pinstripes running through it that were brought out by a silver tie over a black silk dress shirt. He carried a black and silver cane though he did not appear to have any maladies that would entail its use. Our eyes met for the tiniest fraction of a second and in that time I felt he had read me like I had read so many novels, a deep focused reading, where you ponder the sentences, absorbing them, etching them to memory. He gave a small innocuous smile, one that convinced you to trust him even when you knew better. It may have been the most perfect smile ever given to me.
I could feel his eyes as traced their way over my delicate frame. It was as if he was engraving every detail into his memory, from my porcelain complexion, thick waist length dark chestnut hair, to the peculiar gold flecks that could be found throughout my green cat-like eyes and the quirky way the corner of my mouth turned in giving me a slightly elfish appearance. For a moment I was tempted to cover my ears, which in my youth had been the subject of many jests due to the way the slightly stuck out. His eyes flicked to my ears as if they had been following my train of thought. Finally, he broke the awkward silence.
“Hello, are you Miss Emmeline, my name is Phineas Alexander and that sweet old lady said you would be able to help me. She seems quite found of you.“ Though he seemed older he had a very boyish face and his voice was smooth and mellow, it didn’t carry the harshness and urgency that most carried in theirs.
“Mrs. Baxter said you were interested in Mr. Mortenson’s collection, they are located downstairs, if you would follow me please.” I responded politely and led him down the darkened stairwell. The basement was like most basements, damp and gloomy, shadows danced in the dimness. I unlocked the door that led into the only finished room down there. Being exposed to the bright light after the darkness was harsh and glaring. After ones eyes adjusted, one could see it was quite a cozy room. Tall oak bookshelves covered the walls, two black leather chairs with oak trim sat around a matching coffee table. It was only called The Cage after a high school boy that worked the summers had dubbed it that. It had no real name so it more or less stuck.
“They look exactly as they did when I was growing up,” he said with that boyish excitement most likely seen in an over dramatic five year old as he walked over to the shelf that housed Mr. Mortenson’s collection.
“Feel free to look them over at your leisure Mr. Alexander, I will be right over here if you have any questions.” I said as I slid a delicate first edition Henry V off the shelf and sat down in one of the chairs. I had read this particular copy several times and knew its every imperfection.
One of the few memories I had of my father was him reading Shakespeare to me and one could scarcely call it reading. Perhaps reliving would be a more accurate term. I was too young to comprehend the verses but he found no difficulty portraying the emotions to me. It may have just been a book, but to be holding it always sent chills down my spine. Soon I was so enraptured by my reading that I was mentally preparing to go off to battle after being so riveted by the St. Crispin’s Day Speech that I had completely forgotten where I was, let alone remembered my patron.
Everything happened so very fast, the lights extinguished dousing the room in darkness. I was left momentarily helpless, unable to see and a bit disoriented from being so harshly forced back to reality. With an inhuman swiftness he had crossed the room and held me in his arms. For a mere split second I felt as if I had yearned for this my entire life, like I had finally found myself at home. His teeth sunk into the soft flesh of my neck and I was frozen, paralyzed by an indefinite force. I spun dizzily inside my own mind as memories swirled around bleeding into darkness, a silent scream hung frozen in my throat. Numbness passed over me as a tingling crept through my extremities, relaxing all the muscles as I drifted into unconsciousness.
~FIN~
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This prologue popped in my head last night and I couldn't sllep because I was thinking about it so intensily. Bare with me it is very very rough I just want to run the idea by.
“Damnit” Phineas cursed as he pounded a clenched fist on the table and rose in anger to face the other board members “Can’t you see it has to be done, we have almost been pushed to the point of extinction.”
“Phineas, we have taken vows against it in order to protect them; we cannot go back on them lightly. Please, control yourself a decision will be made, we have time.”
“We have time, but does she? They have been watching her; you know she is not safe they will kill her solely because of who she is. Will you have her blood on your hands, because my conscious cannot bear it.” he retaliated. “Plus, she is the perfect candidate to fill the roll. She will be able to save us, I know it. We have been perfecting the method and it has to work.”
“Clear your head; are your motives sincere or do you feel this way because of who she is?”
“You know the truth to that answer, we have had this discussion many times and it always leads to the same place no matter what evidence I submit. You are using who she is against her and me because you fear change and do not want to create something more powerful than yourself. You have let your position go to your head, what position will you hold when we are all dead?” Phineas retaliated calmly before exiting the room.
He made his way to the garage and hoped into his car and drove, just drove without any peculiar destination in mind. Subconsciously he made his way to streets he knew so well, from years of observance. He hated when she walked home alone, but then again she always walked home alone. She left herself so vulnerable. He watched from the shadows as she walked.
“So Phineas are we pining away again?” a heartless voice whispered from the shadows.
“You won’t have her, I will not allow it.”
“And you think you are powerful enough to stop me. Phineas, come now be honest with yourself.” With that, the voice was gone, hauntingly drifting away in the wind.
Phineas knew it was time to act, with or without the board members approval. There had been battles but now the war was stirring in the darkness and he could not idly watch it, fall victim to it without even trying. |
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If you're planning to shift viewpoints anyway (just make sure you limit it to one or two primary viewpoints), then introducing Emmeline through Phineas's eyes might be a good way to contrast how she appears prior to getting bitten with her life thereafter. You might even consider having him stalk her, watching her from afar before he approaches her. Seeing a potential victim through the eyes of a stalker is definite conflict, plus you can work in the idea of inner conflict as well -- does Phineas want to eat this woman or turn her? Or something else?
Definitely stick with it! |
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I want to thank you for your honest critiques and help; it is much appreciated. I know I am not even close to the point where I should begin looking for an agent, I just don’t want to spend years perfecting something and pouring my heart and soul into it only to find out that I should have done this or that in the meantime. In other words, I want to make sure that I am on the proper track. I am starting to read up on agents and publishers as well as enter my short stories in legitimate contests and attempt submitting to magazines for publishing in order to create a portfolio. The internet creates many opportunities but it is also full of bullshit and sometimes it is difficult to tell what is what, so I wanted some insight from others that have been where I am now.
This first chapter was a bit tricky to write because I really wanted to get the odd personality quirks of Emmeline out before she fully transforms. I think it is important for her to start out as a human before we see her as a vampire. The stories is told by Emmeline, who lives in her own little antiquated fantasy world, and that is why the language is so gothic, I guess I didn’t do the best job presenting this. I need to morph the first and second chapter together and then revise the order of events a bit. The second chapter contains much of what (from your opinions) the first is lacking. I also am going to go through my library of books and read the first chapter of my favorites to see how they “hook” the reader. I really like how George RR Martin tells his story from multiple points of views one chapter at a time. Perhaps I should shift this to the second chapter and write a new opening chapter from Phineas’ point of view, since his life contains more conflict than Emmeline’s currently does. |
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One of the things that matters in a novel is getting the reader hooked as quickly as possible. Your first chapter (or prologue,if you prefer) has to get the reader involved in the story, whatever the story will be. It also has to "set the hook" - something to keep the reader from just stopping,letting go of the hook.
Here, you've done a great job of setting up the scene, but there's no hook.
The trouble with places like EditRed is that you have a captive audience, who are very likely to read through what you have written, no matter how bad or good it actually is - it has to be really off to stop the reader finishing it.
Mark Twain suggested that, with ALL stories,one should start as close to the end as feasible. Or, in another way, the writer must tell the reader what kind of story this will be - something that one can only know close to the end of the story. That's the hook - knowing that the story will be one of the 12 primary plots. So, what's this story? A quest for something? Girl meets boy? Patient Penelope? You haven't really indicated the direction as yet,and you've used nearly 3000 words!
Joel mentions conflict. The best formula for story writing that I've found is Story = Conflict + Action + Resolution. It applies to every scene as wellas to the whole. Conflict is not necessarily about fighting or violence. It's about objectives and desires. The protagonist wants to DO something; the antagonist (or reality) wants to PREVENT the doing. Not just the desire/objective,but you also need to include "at stakeness" - what's at stake in this book,this scene, this subplot? So far, nothing's at stake (although the cat's playing at escaping is a kind of conflict,with its sense of fun being the at-stakeness).
You've made your heroine a little too stoic for the "boy meets girl" plot, but you might be heading for something different (think "Taming of the Shrew").
And as Joel also says, the language you are using is a bit prissy/old fashioned/overly formal. It was acceptable for Dickens, but that's 150 years ago - imply the old-fashionedness, rather than making it heavy work to get through to the next part. And watch the grammar/spelling/punctuation - they detract! |
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Hi April, I'm not published yet but I've been where you are now, taken enough courses, and received enough feedback that I think I can give you some helpful advice.
First, I'd suggest not actively seeking an agent or publisher until you at least have a finished draft. A seasoned author might be able to sent a query letter with an incomplete story, knowing exactly how much longer he or she needs to finish the book when the editor or agent requests it. But keep in mind that when you send a query letter you most likely will need a synopsis (hard to write if you haven't finished the book) and when they ask for the manuscript if you don't have it complete they won't patiently wait for it. I just finished my first novel and it's gone through 3 drafts and 6 revisions, and only now do I feel comfortable submitting it. You may not need that much rewriting if you're comfortable submitting as is, but realize that for a first-time author you need to wow them every step of the way.
For both magazine editors and agents/publishers I'd suggest starting with www.writersmarket.com There you can start researching different markets and get all the ocntact info and specifics you need. Another helpful strategy is to research the agents and publishers for the books and stories you read that are similar to what you're writing. It's likely they'll be happy to look at someone similar to a writer they've had success with (as long as you're not a clone) and you can catch their attention in your query letter by drawing comparisons to stories they already know (and ideally work with). You can also consider taking a writing course or attending a conference. I haven't attended a conference yet but I took an online writing course through www.ed2go.com for about $70 over 6 weeks and it really helped me by giving my confidence and constructive feedback, and it doesn't hurt to mention it in your query letter if you have no other credits.
Now, in regards to this chapter: there are a lot of typos and grammar problems but since this is a draft I won't comment on those right now. A more important questions is: is your book a dark fantasy or supernatural thriller? If so, it absolutely MUST MUST MUST start with a more gripping opening. You need to grab the reader with the very first paragraph, very first sentence, very first word, or they won't bother reading any further. Save all the background about the apartment for later and weave it into the story. I n fact, eliminate the first day altogether - there's no conflict whatsoever and I had to skip to the end before I found any. I'd suggest either using a prologue that starts media res or shows some later conflict, or at the very least start from the moment that she meets the stranger. You need to start with CONFLICT, which could be Phineas biting her neck or it could just be her conflicting emotions with this handsome stranger. Once you've got the reader sucked in, then you can throw in all the details about the cat and whatever else if you want (as long as it somehow moves the story along or helps build suspense). You do, however, need a little more to indicate setting - I'm guessing you're trying for a Gothic period? The only reason I'm guessing that is because the language seems overly formal. If it's supposed to be modern day, you need to reflect this through dialogue and setting.
I had several short stories that I thought were brilliant and couldn't figure out why no magazine would accept them -- until someone on here pointed out that the intro was just plain boring. After I read through with an objective eye, I realized they were correct and though it's been hard work, I've been able to improve them dramatically. You have a very nice eye for detail; again I'd suggest finishing your draft and then putting it away for a month or two, then coming back with a red marker and read it like you're reading it for the first time.
Good luck! |
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