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(wee challenge # 36) Out of Sight
As the saying goes; out of sight, out of mind. I found this to be completely untrue about her. I could never forget her. I hardly ever see her anymore, but when I do, all of these fond memories I have keep flooding back to me. Then comes the pain. Every part of me hurts with this emptiness that I feel.
I feel like that will never go away, no matter who I love. I lost the first love I ever won. We were close... Best friends, you could say. I never saw it coming,but I got hit with a "Reality Brick".
She captivated me... All I ever thought about was her. Then she started to drift away. I desperatly grasped at her heart, but it would float away like smoke with each attempt I made. Everything came crashing down around me. I was empty.
But again, as the saying goes; out of sight, out of mind. We went to different schools , and now, I don't even think about her.
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-05-29 07:30
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Hi Raven
Some nice observations on relationships and feelings here. I'm not entirely sure the switch between the two 'out of sight, out of mind' sections works - maybe just a little too much of a contradiction in such a short piece.
Have a wee look at how often you use the word 'that' - some of them could be cut and it'll make for a smoother read.
Thanks for the read and for taking the challenge.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: WLC Online- 2008-05-27 06:41
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What I love about this is after reading every word "about her," then the last line states, "and now I don't even think about her."
Goes to show, we can never completely put someone "out of sight." Love, no matter how past, endures.
Nice work. |
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A well done, emotionally gripping piece. I agree with Arley on the paragraph spacing. The sentence "I was empty" might have a deeper impact by separating it into it's own paragraph.
"I don't even think about her." [...but you'll never forget, either] |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-05-24 06:53
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| Emotional piece here, Raven. If you'll pop a space between paragraphs it will be easier to read. |
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| Hi Raven. Nice, honest emotion. For a young man, you do very well. I hope you'll always be as free with sharing your feelings. Losing a special friend can be painful. As Easywriter said, we can probably all relate. Keep writing. Janet |
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