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Out Of Sight?
“Out of sight!” The straw boss signalled the crew, pointing down.
Old Joe walked around the pile: “Yeah! Really something, ain’t it?”
“Never seen nothin’ like it.” Terry's eyes widened with interest.
“Sure is different, and huge!” Wally leaned closer.
“Not something one would expect to see in this place.” Melrose rubbed his clean-shaven chin in deep thought.
“Na! Na! Na! Out of sight! Out of sight!” The straw boss's olive skin turned reddish purple. His arms decribed shooing motions.
“What’s he on about now?” Melrose asked the others. “We’ve seen it and we all agree – it really is a marvel.”
Joe shrugged: “No idea!”
Terry put a finger to his temple and twirled it.
“Ya don’ unnerstanda inglishi?” the straw boss demanded. “get it outta sight!”
Wally moved towards the storage shed. “Okay. I’ll get a tarpaulin.”
“Na! Na!” the foreman yelled. “Get it outta sight!” He emphasized the word, pointing to the gate. He stopped for a moment; his eyes lit up with understanding: “Get it OFFA site!”
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very creative that it is left up to the reader to determine what "it" is using their imagingation, was well as the "where". that worked well.
I quickly concluded "it" was a massive pile of shit and "where" was at a zoo.
Action tags are very useful, but you should get rid of at least half of yours in that they bog the story down. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-06-01 13:26
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Ooooh yes, please, change the speech tags to action tags - they really slow the piece down, which is a shame, 'cause it's really good. I love not knowing exactly what they're talking about and the misunderstanding works well.
Thanks for the read and the smiles.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: WLC Online- 2008-05-27 07:05
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| Straw boss---brought to mind the movie Cool Hand Luke. But then all I could think about was that scene where the woman is washing her car in front of the convicts. Lost my train of thought and had to read it again. I like that I have to figure out what "it" is at the end. |
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Comment by: lucy - 2008-05-24 04:00
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| I wanna know the rest of the story, what are they talking about? Cliff hanger. It moved smoothly, the content is believable. Thanks for sharing. |
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Hi Peter,
I did google straw boss and find out what it was, just wanted to point out that it might throw the average reader. (Thanks for taking the time to explain).
Agree with you, it doesn't matter where it takes place, again just wanted to give you props for making me REALLY want to get to the bottom of it, for drawing the reader in. |
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