writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
Elise
Elise Aitchison
Australia, South Australia, Adelaide

Words: 179
Access: Public
Comments: 4

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  




Out of Sight

Out. Out of what. Out of life, time, Love? Were did it go and why can’t I get it back I’ve lost the memories that contain the words, the words that contain the memories. Where is the key that opens the door and the rhyme that begins the song.

Sight. Gone and found. Why do you see it all with unfaltering eyes? Bright colours fill my skies like the black ones that fill yours. My clouds come and go while yours hold their breath in anticipation.

You fall away like the leaves in autumn your smile falters while I blush in your presence I can’t see you anymore you’ve faded out of my sight. But I wait with the winter as you now wait with the spring. Soon enough it’s gone as I follow my script and begin again I can feel something that’s not out of my reach out of my sight. And it begins again like the rain in the winter I can fell it prickling my skin.
And I breathe.

Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up






[Back to top]
Comments  
karjon Comment by: karjon - 2008-06-02 12:27
Add to Readers
      
Nicely atmospheric and emotional, Elise - but, yes, the punctuation needs a serious overhaul. Lots of commas and full stops missing, which hinders the flow.

Thanks for the read.

Cheers

Karen
Informal Grae Comment by: Informal Grae - 2008-05-26 11:03
Add to Readers
      
'I can fell it prickling my skin.' should be 'fell' in here, Elise.

I liked this a lot. The flow and emotions, the contrasts and juxtapositions worked well. Spoken out loud this has feeling and power. Yes, punctuation would also make it more immediate, but I don't know if the poetry format would make this too formatted. Just work on your puntuation and it will grow.

Thanks for the read - Grae:)
ParchmentPoetry Comment by: ParchmentPoetry - 2008-05-25 11:14
Add to Readers
      
You're piece would make a beautiful poem. In prose, you need punctuation and several (.)'s are missing throughout. As I read it, I could feel a lot of emotion, but poetry is what seemed to fit it best. Thanks for sharing. Janet
ThePenguin Comment by: ThePenguin Online- 2008-05-23 17:48
Add to Readers
      
An excellent little vignette! Would be a great introduction to something a lot longer.
1

Sponsored Ads


By Elise

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S