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Out of Sight
Out. Out of what. Out of life, time, Love? Were did it go and why can’t I get it back I’ve lost the memories that contain the words, the words that contain the memories. Where is the key that opens the door and the rhyme that begins the song.
Sight. Gone and found. Why do you see it all with unfaltering eyes? Bright colours fill my skies like the black ones that fill yours. My clouds come and go while yours hold their breath in anticipation.
You fall away like the leaves in autumn your smile falters while I blush in your presence I can’t see you anymore you’ve faded out of my sight. But I wait with the winter as you now wait with the spring. Soon enough it’s gone as I follow my script and begin again I can feel something that’s not out of my reach out of my sight. And it begins again like the rain in the winter I can fell it prickling my skin.
And I breathe.
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-06-02 12:27
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Nicely atmospheric and emotional, Elise - but, yes, the punctuation needs a serious overhaul. Lots of commas and full stops missing, which hinders the flow.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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'I can fell it prickling my skin.' should be 'fell' in here, Elise.
I liked this a lot. The flow and emotions, the contrasts and juxtapositions worked well. Spoken out loud this has feeling and power. Yes, punctuation would also make it more immediate, but I don't know if the poetry format would make this too formatted. Just work on your puntuation and it will grow.
Thanks for the read - Grae:) |
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| You're piece would make a beautiful poem. In prose, you need punctuation and several (.)'s are missing throughout. As I read it, I could feel a lot of emotion, but poetry is what seemed to fit it best. Thanks for sharing. Janet |
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| An excellent little vignette! Would be a great introduction to something a lot longer. |
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