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Did You Hear That? (Wee Challenge #36)
They ascended the steps two at a time. He pulled on her arm with such ferocity, she was certain he’d end up at the landing holding only a limb.
They fell onto the bed; his hand slithered beneath her blouse as he struggled out of his pants.
“Wait.” She freed herself from his clutches, grabbing his hand seconds before it snatched the coveted prize. “What about your wife?”
“The bitch is clueless; dumb as a post.”
She gasped as his gut pressed against her. The old bed creaked under them, a musical accompaniment to their awkward performance.
Suddenly, an otherworldly sound rose above the din.
“Did you hear that?”
“Just the wind. Relax, sugar.”
Moments later, they heard it again. They disentangled; he lurched toward the closet and tore open the door.
As light flooded the tiny room, he spotted two crouching figures. His wife’s arms were wrapped round a lithe young man; they were stark naked, save her high heels and his handcuffs.
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Comment by: acid43 - 2008-06-10 16:40
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| wow i loved this story lol definitly made me laugh, looks like she wasnt the dummy after all hahaha very nice work heidii really enjoyed this one |
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Comment by: WLC - 2008-06-03 08:53
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Heidi....very fun to read.
She gasped as his gut pressed against her. The old bed creaked beneath them....got a visual of the over the hill, midlife crisis guy getting his freak on.....very good.
I noticed you used "beneath" twice---beneath her blouse & beneath them. Maybe could use an alternative for one of those. I liked beneath her blouse. Could say "The bed creaked (under) them------ without losing any meaning. (?)
You blew me out of the water with those last two words--"his handcuffs"
You got a little scream of delight out of me with that.
Enjoyed this.
Wanda |
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| More good suggestions - thanks T! |
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hi Heidi..
He pulled on her arm with such ferocity, (she was certain he’d end up at the landing holding only a bloody limb.)
//bit overwritten maybe, the bloody limb bit.
“The bitch is clueless,” (he assured her).
//not much need for tags like that. the reader gets it from the dialog. and action. like watching a movie.
nice dialog.. and good job using so many vivid verbs all through this.
thanks,
T |
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Comment by: crows - 2008-06-02 21:43
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| Hah, nice! Just enough snark, not too much humor (though, as a package, it's quite funny ;) )... it strikes me as being a quickie with a twist ending not unlike Saki's pieces. This is certainly a well played piece of dark humor. |
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