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Out of sight and out of mind (WEE CHALLENGE 36)
You would think that after two years of being in the witness protection program you would get over the paranoia, not Seńor Briggs. Every time he saw a person twice in a day, he asked for an immediate transfer.
Briggs lived with a very simple and stern motto - “Out of sight and out of mind.” he always said, it was better to live alone and lonely than building a paper trail behind him. It had been almost three months since his last paranoia attack and he had relaxed enough that he didn't look over his shoulder at every intersection.
Sitting in his VW at the intersection of Mayberry and 3rd he noticed a face he had seen before that day. Again the anxiety. It happened every time. He would speed off, turning as many times as possible trying to lose the car he thought was following him. He usually made it away, but not this time. This time he was struck by a speeding semitrailer head on.
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| Thanks for the comment and thanks for the suggestions. Im not to good at writing stories so it really helps when someone points things out that I missed. Thanks =] |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-06-01 12:45
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Hi Carlos
I love the idea here, and you've created a fascinating character.
At the moment, there's too much tell, not enough show and it could do with tightening in lots of places. There are some punctuation problems too. A few suggestions:
You would think that after two years of being in the witness protection program you would get over the paranoia, not Seńor Briggs. - I'd replace that comma with a dash. I agree about the overuse of 'would' as Wanda pointed out.
'Every time he saw a person twice in a day, he would ask' - why not 'he asked' instead of 'would ask' ?
'You see,' - hmm, is that the writer talking?
'Briggs lived with a very simple and stern motto.'- replace full stop with colon.
“Out of sight and out of mind.” he always said. - replace full stop with comma.
'It was better to live alone and lonely than building up' - maybe ' leave a' it seems more natural than 'building up' in this context.
'It had been almost three month's' - no apostrophe, 'months' is plural.
'since his last paranoia attack and he had relaxed enough to the point' - you don't need 'to the point'.
'Again the anxiety returned. It happened every time.' - repetition of idea with 'again' 'returned' 'it happened every time' - they're all just saying the same thing, aren't they?
Okay, I'll stop now - hope you don't mind me making suggestions, and you can just ignore them if you disagree.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: WLC Online- 2008-05-27 11:47
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I noticed 3 "woulds" in the first 2 sentences. You could easily start with "You'd think----" leave the second one in as is and take out the 3rd one completely: "Everytime he saw a person twice in one day, he asked for an immediate transfer. Unclutters some and tightens.
Another place to tighten is at the end of the first sentence in par. 3 ending it: ........he noticed a face he had seen earlier.
Just a couple of tightening tricks to think about.
Nice take on the theme using a a MC with paranoia. Very original.
I agree with Mitchell about the end. If you kicked a bunch of small words out, you could make space for a killer last line to the effect he lived alone and died alone. |
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| Fear is a terrible thing. I think the secret is to live a life that requires that nothing be hidden. This is well written. Like Mitch, I think a larger word count would enhance the tale. Janet |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-05-25 07:19
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| Good one, Carlos! Senor Briggs' paranoia finally came to a rather abrupt end, heh heh. |
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