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tired
Sleep just means another night you’re not here
Another last thought that you’re in
One more night of empty dreams
you never visit
And another waking to a world
You took yourself out of
For what its worth
This pain
This haunting dragging pain
Will prove I’m open
empty from your absence
But open
For something more permanent
And strong
To fill this space
You left me with
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| This is a good start, but I feel it needs more fleshing out in terms of images or thoughts of a greater pointedness so that we, as readers, can feel more of a connection. At the end when you speak of "this space you left me with" you should describe how this space looks or feels. Otherwise, it's just sort of a blank spot on the screen. ;-) |
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| painful but hopefull |
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Yeah.. I's agree with Lander here.. You try to show it but there's no real pain in this.. I suggest that after writing each piece you read it out loud to yourself.. The words are there but there placement is incorrect.. If your not going to use punctuation then make the words support you by realy showing how tired you are.. Thank you so very much for sharing though.. I hope to read more of your writings...
Regards,
Muhammad T. Raza |
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Comment by: Lander Online- 2008-05-25 01:36
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sorry, don't really feel much pain here. you speak of it, but sadly, its not here in the poem.
write on... |
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