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Boonrassi
Timothy Briggs
United States, fl, ft lauderdale

Words: 181
Access: Public
Comments: 11

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Chief Dembe, Ice and The Desert Train (Wee Story 36 Out Of Sight)

175 wds.
_ _ for italics.



Aza smiled. “Two hundred cattle, Koko, well done.”

“The numbers strengthen the disguise.”

“Indeed. We only want Chief Dembe; don't kill anyone.”

“They are Bantu tribe. _Filth_.”

“News of this will be international, it must be positive.”

“Your wish-- Look, the train has stopped.” Cattle lumbered past the front of the towering, thrumming machine; Bantu guards jumped from open cars.

Koko flung his robe aside. Adrenaline charged his form; muscle gleamed like onyx. Sun flashed along his baton and two Bantu guards collapsed.

Aza's forty men shed the guise of shepherd and swarmed the elephantine locomotive. Sand skittered down Saharan dunes.

Aza cast streams of Mace at Bantu faces. “Dembe is in the second car!”

Koko lifted Aza into the wide rail car. The metal floor felt wet; the rough coffin rested on slabs of melting ice. “Chief Dembe, killed in prison by a senseless regime. They would put his body on public display.” She stood, calm. “I won't allow the sight of my mentor to be perverted. We take him home today... to Mali.”

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Comments  
phillmag Comment by: phillmag Online- 2008-06-07 13:55
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another nice story, Tim. But 40 "shepherds" for 200 cattle?
karjon Comment by: karjon - 2008-05-31 13:16
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Ah, continuing stories, eh? Nora did this a while back and it worked brilliantly.

This is great, Tim - love the descriptions and the pace is excellent.

Cheers

Karen
krademacher Comment by: krademacher Online- 2008-05-30 23:14
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As usual, you've got a solid, visual piece. It moves along well, and feels incredibily "real."

Some points:

I *still* envision a Chicago blues queen every time I see the name Koko, not a straping revolutionary. :-)

I dunno about sand skittering. Dogs skitter across tile. Sand cascades (or some other syn)


you got a story going here? Keep it coming. Tie it all together into a short, Tim. This is killer stuff.
scottjensen Comment by: scottjensen - 2008-05-30 13:45
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Your title drew me right in.

The brief visuals were great. Aza and Koko seem like two very powerful characters. Your description of them fighting was unique with the "Sun flashed along his baton and two Bantu guards collapsed."

I wouldn't mind reading more sometime if you continue with this.
Arley Comment by: Arley - 2008-05-28 06:48
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Dandy story, Tim! I'd make muscle and shepherd plural, shepherd for sure.
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