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Story Challenge #36 - Did you hear that?
Leaping flames threw flickering shadows across the clearing. We clustered around the fire, hoping for protection more than warmth. Marty said they didn’t understand the threat of fire; it wasn’t much of a weapon. He said we shouldn’t have a fire; it would draw their attention and bring them down on us. We didn’t care; some primal instinct drew us to the flames.
Marty sat in the darkness at the edge of the clearing. He looked ready to spring up the nearest tree. We thought he was scare-mongering.
We sat in silence, a small concession to Marty’s worries. The crackling of the flames and the splitting of the wood filled the air, so loud it seemed like gunfire.
Ash sprang to her feet, straining her ears.
“Did you hear that?”
We didn’t answer. An all-too-familiar low groan oozed into the cold night air. The group scattered. Marty disappeared up his tree. Ash grabbed a flaming branch from the fire. With no hesitation, I broke into a run.
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-05-31 13:04
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Great opening, Icy - off to read the other one now.
Cheers
Karen |
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| Well, I'm hooked. Talk about an enticing lead-in. The imagery is vivid, and the flow natural. I can't wait for more. |
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| I enjoyed both your #36's - makes me wonder what happens next! |
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Comment by: icy - 2008-05-28 08:25
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| Thanks for the crit, WLC - I've changed a couple of bits. I figured a groan has an "oozing" quality to it so I decided on the final paragraph. |
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Comment by: WLC - 2008-05-28 07:58
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Hi Icy. Nice scare in the woods!
Suggestion: Personally, I would get rid of "The" at the beginning and just leap in with "Leaping flames...." It tightens and gives you another word to play with elsewhere.
Also: I'm not sure if hissed works. Hissed is a sound you make when mad more than when frightened. (?) "Did you hear that?" could come before "Ash sprang to her feet....." More extra words to play with by removing "she hissed." (?)
Also: ...low groan "stained" the night air. Doesn't sound quite right. I don't think a "groan" can "stain." (?) Unless you meant "strained." (?)
But a good hair raiser nonetheless.
Wanda |
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