Pantoum (Alien poetry challenge 16)
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Pantoum (Alien poetry challenge 16)
She was always a lonely soul
since she was born.
The loneliness had a great impact on her.
She valued the presence of other souls.
Since she was born
and raised as an only child.
She valued the presence of other souls.
She accumulated an endlesss love.
Raised as an only child
among many friends and family
She accumulated an endless love
towards others around her.
Among many friends and family
she was always a lonely soul.
Towards others around her
her endless love was unconditional.
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Comment by: alien - 2008-06-03 08:23
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I think it's a good basis for a poem but I thought it seemed incomplete - like a thought that hadn't fully developed. I got the end and just thought, "who cares?"
I never got a real feeling for this girl/woman. I think maybe the form restricted the path of this poem. Maybe you should try a re-write in a freer form? |
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| Hi Fureya, I like the poem, but I thought it was to be Iambic. The last line is to be a repeat of the first from what I understood. It's a tough form for sure. Thanks for sharing. Janet |
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Thanks Graeme for your support, I wasn't even sure to upload this or not. yes sha is she, just corrected.
fureya |
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'Sha'? should it be 'she'?
I like this, Fureya, it has a wistful air about it.
Some of the images of a 'lonely soul' 'among many friends and family' who's 'endless love was unconditional' makes me feel that she had a complex mind and life, that is only hinted at, but not explained, in the pantoum.
I think the pantoum is not an easy form to use, but I like the way your lines repeat with their variations to add flavour.
Thank you for the read - Grae:) |
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