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Remember
A soft breeze whispers
my name in your ear
and a faint hint of my perfume
mingled with spring
will bring
my face to mind
You play a Stolen song
and I sing along
in a voice that only you ...
... can hear...
Remember me
A bright thought
occurs to you and
you turn to share
finding nothing
but air heavy
with emptiness
I wont be there ...
Remember me
A a gentle look
a feminine sigh
another lonely
day goes by
With the distance
between us
ever widening
a breach
a rift
as you watch me drift
further and
further away
to the place
where you pushed me ...
Remember me
Words dancing rapidly
straight from the heart
unwanted
painful
unread ...
A song half sung
destined
to remain unfinished
A shadow dance
once reality
Now and forever
only a dream we shared
Remember me ...
Remember me ...
Remember me ...
I will ...
... remember ...
... you ...
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Comment by: crows - 2008-06-03 22:26
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| The off-rhyme in this piece is absolutely wonderful... I love the feeling of words meshing together in ways I don't expect. I find, however, that I heavily favor the first two stanzas over the second two... the latter stanzas seem a little less concise, there were lines/words that struck me as being less powerful, while the first two stanzas feel in contrast perfectly placed and well-economized. For instance 'Unwanted/Painful' in the last stanza I feel like are much less potent ways to describe things that are inferred strongly with 'unread', which is the most unique part of that particular image, to me. 'Now and forever' from the same stanza also lacks some of the originality of phrasing that you seem to harness effortlessly in the first half of the poem. I think a little bit of careful down-sizing of those last two stanzas could really refine the impact of this very elegant piece of writing. It renders the nostalgia of lost love extremely well. |
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| I liked how the first three stanzas parallel each other, then the final stanza heightens the emotional level. |
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Comment by: MsWizard Online- 2008-06-02 19:43
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| Yolanda, not yet...but not for want of trying! |
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| If it is possible you are now my favorite poet -- and I just ordered a new book of poetry -- Do you have one? |
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Comment by: pj - 2008-05-30 01:30
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| i enjoy reading the way you mold your words i enjoyed especially the last stanza. |
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