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frees340
Vyasar Ganesan
Online
United States, TX, Austin

Words: 282
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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What Hurts

Lysander stumbled on a disemboweled torso, clutching at the gaping wound in his left breast. His once-bedazzling garments were now torn and smoldering, his cloak a ragged mess somewhere behind him. Clutched in his left hand was an eerie blue effulgence, catching and withering the sunlight, melting it into shapes and shadows…

He was walking to the base of a rock, where a small child knelt among the fingers. A faint tinkle of music was in the air, a lullaby, but it was a chilling thing to hear in a bloody volcanic basin.

At 20 feet, Lysander fell, panting. His leggings tore at the knee, revealing a ragged wound, bleeding a rainbow of blood. The child, hearing his fall, stood up and turned, a smile on her wan, tanned face. “Hello,” she said, in a voice so sweet it made his ears hurt. “Do you like my handiwork?”

Lysander looked at her horror. This scene around her, where countless good men and women had perished trying to accomplish the impossible: handiwork?

“I’m a good artist,” she giggled, taking a few garish steps towards him. He felt his consciousness beginning to ebb, weariness clutching at his mind. He shook his head, and tried to prop himself on his elbows. His side flared in pain, and gasping for air, he rolled on his back.

“Careful, you might smear the paint!!” She was squealing right over him, black eyes piercing his gray ones. Lysander then realized, he was lying in a very large puddle of blood. Gritting his teeth, he swung his left at the girl. The blue glow crackled angrily as she gaily skipped aside, and the world slipped away, like a frightened lover…

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Comments  
qpeedore Comment by: qpeedore - 2008-05-30 20:59
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Nice descriptions. They appeal to the senses. It's a good snippet of what would make for a great read if expanded upon to create a full story.

"...gaping wound in his left pectoral"
It's understood that it's the chest, but it's the pectoral region or the pectoral muscle. The sentence seems cut too short to me without one of those other words inserted at the end.

"...bleeding a rainbow of blood"
I see rainbow and I think colourful. Blood can be varying shades of red and reddish-brown, but a rainbow of colours? Maybe not. Although if you approach it from the fact that a rainbow is arched, then blood spurting out of an artery would indeed arc through the air. But still, rainbow? It's too happy of a word to use here, in my opinion.

Somehow little girls make for creepy characters. Second to dolls. This little girls seems outright evil, as if she is possessed by something not all of this world.

Overall, it's creepy and gory enough to put disturbing images in me. But I would rather it no other way. Good job.
scottjensen Comment by: scottjensen - 2008-05-30 13:51
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The grizzly image of your first sentence was great; short and sweet haha.

Really creepy story, you're visuals are great and the little. girl was a strong character. I liked “Careful, you might smear the paint!!”

The last line is perfect, too. You have a knack for this kind of writing.
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