 |
 |
 |
| |
Creational Crisis
Heavy hearts linger as emotions brood,
Some thoughts fester in a depressing mood.
From sadness springs sad sordid affairs
Forlornly held – hope sinks, unaware.
Depression poses that sordid fate
For lack of hope shall know no mate,
Lost amid dark cavernous thoughts,
Now laughter abolished– for bliss is naught.
Upon the plains sprout fields of dreams,
Vast verdant grasses with clear blue streams
Miles of mayhem endless treks to reach
Beyond the dreams, a vision might teach
Attain your goal, your summit’s peak
Brave souls seek - but scare the meek
Life is always that proverbial climb;
The peak you seek is an emotional find.
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
I agree with "phillmag" that it has a great rhythm and it is quite up-beat (especially considering the subject). It is so smooth and polished. It almost reads like a song. I LOVE the closing stanza esp the last line: "The peak you seek is an emotional find."
I disagree with markaikins about '--Don't you mean "depressed mood" rather than "depressing"...' I read and re-read it both ways...I think depressing mood fits pefectly. Alas, I am but a humble novice w/ untrained ear! Anyway...enjoyed this poem. You are skillful and clever! |
|
|
Nice, nice poem, dannyboy. Contrary to poetguyraza's opinion, I humbly believe that accurate punctuation can be VERY freeing indeed. Punctuation is not by any means a straightjacket to one's creativity or to conveying one's emotions or intellectual content to another. In fact, I've encountered many more examples of poems that are damaged by lack of punctuation since they come across so ambiguous (or careless, or both) that it throws a wall up betwixt writer and reader as regards what the heck said writer is talking about. This is why punctuation is taught in grammar school, i'nt it?
Little, nitpicky things:
--Don't you mean "depressed mood" rather than "depressing"? Who is it that is depressed? The one with the mood or the one noticing the person's mood?
--"A summit needs a climb to reach" Does that convey reaching the summit or reaching the repeated metaphor of the next line? Do you mean: A summit needs a climb to be reached? Unclear there.
--Last line: becomes needs a 'c'...
---"tough nuts try" On my 2nd or 3rd reading, this sounds WAY out of place in this piece. It stands out as unnaturally slangy, IMO.
Hope I don't offend, friend.
Blessings. |
|
|
Well you shortened the line but I noticed your poetry uploads to be all written as stories... Please go to the "my writings" column and edit it out... The poem itself has a very good flow and the rhyming fits in perfectly. I'd suggest a little less use of punctuation here as the poem, in my opinion needs to be set free... Well done on the whole... Hope to read more.
Best of Regards,
Muhammad T. Raza |
 |
Comment by: danae Online- 2008-08-25 11:08
|
|
| right, thanks...I'll have to fix that. They say it's always harder to edit your own stuff... |
 |
Comment by: phillmag Online- 2008-08-25 05:10
|
|
Wonderful rhythm and rhyme for an uplifting theme. But I did stumble on:
Alone and lost amid dark cavernous thoughts
its 11 feet seem out of cadence with the rest.
PS- This is uploaded as a story. |
| 1 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
