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Bed Time
“Amanda, get up stairs!”
“Wha…”
“It’s time for bed Amanda!”
“But…but… mommy, it’s not dark yet!”
“Get up stairs, now! Now! Don’t argue!”
“No push… you’re hurting me! Who’s outside mommy?”
“No one!”
“They calling for you. Who calling for you mommy?”
“Upstairs!”
“Why do I have to go to bed when the light is out every time he comes over?”
“You’ll understand when you’re grown!”
“Why?”
“Bed!”
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*sigh* finally getting around to these. Sorry about that.
Overall, I'm having a little trouble getting into this story. Is the mother a prostitute? Why does the kid talk in a mixture of normal speech and pidgin speech?
There are a couple grammar/spelling things--- "up stairs" instead of "upstairs", "mommy" instead of "Mommy" --- little things like that.
“Amanda, get upstairs.” (no need for panic to show quite yet.)
“Wha…” (nice--shows her as sleepy already)
“It’s time for bed, sweetie.”
“But--Mommy, it’s not dark yet!”
“Upstairs! Right now! Don’t argue.”
“Ow… you’re hurting me . . . who’s that outside, Mommy?”
“No one!”
“He's calling for you. Who's calling for you, Mommy?”
“Upstairs!” (this is getting a little too repetitive, I think)
“How come everytime he comes over I have to go to bed?” (slightly cleaner syntax here)
“You’ll understand when you’re grown!” (this doesn't ring true to me. Something with more resignation-- "It's . . . grown-up stuff, okay, 'Manda? Please." maybe)
“But--”
“Bed!” (Again, I wish we got a little more information instead of *only* the "bed--go--upstairs stuff")
Thanks for writing! |
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| this tells a lot with dialogue. Yeh you cna feel the frustration from the mom, but it makes me feel sad |
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| A lot to think about just from a simple exchange of dialogue. Well done |
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Comment by: sickmom - 2008-06-01 08:31
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| When you use "they" calling for you and then "he" comes over, it is confusing, but it leaves you hanging, like a good mystery. |
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Comment by: Smorg - 2008-05-31 22:03
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| Wicked captivating. You can really sense the frustration from the mother and the utter confusion from her daughter. Great read altogether. |
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