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Payback
The apartment door slams open and he busts in and runs to the bedroom to stash the two duffel bags under the bed. He returns to the living room with his heart pumping and mind racing. Jimmy, looking befuddled and in much need of a decent night’s sleep, begins to pace around the room going over the events that might have just made him the most wanted man in the city. It was supposed to be a quick in and out job that would end in a nice payday. Instead it turned into a fiasco ending with two victims, one of which being the son of the mayor and the other, the chief of police. It was all a heist gone wrong. It was meant to go down during a shift change when there would be little chance of the alarm getting set off. It was meant to be nice one-man job that was supposed to work out with Jimmy getting into the safe within a minute or two and getting away by the fifth. Steps one and two worked but three was held up. He went over the scenario a billion times before he put it into action and figured it flawless. He didn’t count on being attacked by any bank’s patrons. The chief had rushed at Jimmy as he came out of the safe with the cash. As the struggle ensued the gun went off and hit the kid and then the cop. Jimmy kept rationalizing within himself. 'It was all his fault. If he didn’t come at me it would have went fine. But if I didn’t have the gun out it wouldn’t have it the kid.' The more he began to think about it, the more his guilty conscience came into his mind telling it was his fault the kid got hit. 'Good job. You got away with the money and became a murder suspect. All in a day’s work, huh?' The more and more he thought, the worse he fault. Then, all of sudden he came to the stunning revelation that in the heat of the moment he left the gun back in the bank. 'Great. The cops should be here within the hour then', he thought to himself. “I got to get out of here”, he said aloud for no one to hear. He rushed into the bedroom to get the bags and his .38 from under the pillow when the sirens came to his ear. At first he thought it was his conscience getting the best of him, at least until he heard them again closer and more audible, and realized that they were coming for him. As he looks out of the window he sees the cars surround the building and two police sniper units take position on the neighboring roofs, expecting a confrontation. But they wouldn’t get what they were waiting for. Jimmy figured the blood of two people on his hands were enough for one day and that giving up was the least he could do. He dropped the money and the loaded Smith and Wesson on the floor of the kitchen and made for the door. He went out of that door for the last time with his hands up and his head down and made his way down to where he thought he’d be taken into custody. As he walked out the door to descend the steps outside it hit him in the chest. He felt it before he even heard and crumbled into a heap on the landing. As the police moved in, Jimmy thought to himself on his makeshift deathbed…'Payback’s a bitch'.
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| I was very impressed when I read this. I like how you made it that short but still managed to tell a very well written and thought out story I look forward to reading more of your writing. |
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Comment by: crows - 2008-06-01 23:07
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| Wow! Very fast paced. I really like how cut and dried it is, without preamble or history, entirely in the moment. It is, however, extremely difficult to read with no paragraphing... this piece would benefit hugely from being broken down into a logical paragraph structure, even with the rushing-thoughts pace that it has. It will keep that. Secondly, there's a little tense confusion here and there... make sure you keep the past-tense specifically in the context of actions that Jimmy is remembering, and the present-tense to his actions and thoughts in the moment. Or change it all to the past tense, but I think that the fact of it being told primarily in present-tense is pretty effective, here. |
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