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A Little Problem - Revised (Wee Challenge #37)
She sat gingerly on the edge of the bed, rolling the fishnet stockings first to her ankles, slowly, and then her calves. Over her shoulder, his snores were just audible above the beating blades of the window fan. The ice had been a nice touch of his, perfect for the July day. As she watched the now fading light creep through the fan to dance in the meadow of wallpaper lilacs, she felt goosebumps and a familiar tingle reappear. Then she saw the shadow. What is that?
Rising from the bed, she tip-toed to the window. Between the fan blades, she could vaguely make out the shape of a handgun pointed directly at her.
"Hi honey," a voice growled at her.
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-06-12 16:22
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Oh, well, I guess I'm getting here after all the edits? Hehe...
Okay, 'gingerly' - well, I'm not a fan of adverbs in general (I know, I have so many foibles, it's a nightmare - you'll get used to me) and this one does seem a little unnecessary - why not use a different verb to convey how she sat? Maybe she could perch?
'The ice had been a nice touch of his' - I'm not crazy about that - it would be simpler to say 'The ice he'd used/brought (something like that) had been a nice touch' - makes the sentence less passive.
But those wee things aside, this is a really good Wee Story - well done, Kyla. Thanks for the read and for taking the challenge.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: chocca2 - 2008-06-11 16:53
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The descriptions you have in this are wonderful. And I love the imagery you've created. My favourite bit:
---As she watched the now fading light creep through the fan to dance in the meadow of wallpaper lilacs, she felt goosebumps and a familiar tingle reappear. Then she saw the shadow. ---
This is a great lil fic! |
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| ah good point on the gurgle Wanda, i didn't think of it like that. |
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| Here's a problem - a voice cannot growl. A person can growl, an animal can growl, but a voice cannot. A person can say something "with a growl." |
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Comment by: WLC Online- 2008-06-10 09:34
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Hi Kyla,
So loved the wallpaper line too.
And "gurgled" is the perfect word! ----that's how a voice sounds when you talk through the back of a moving fan. My sisters and I did it all the time when we were little. :D Wanda |
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