 |
 |
 |
| |
A Little Problem Wee Challenge # 37
Cap in hand he walked to his car. “It's finally that day,” he thought. He checked his mirrors, buckled up and positioned the seat how he liked it. There was no rush, everything was going the way he hoped. He was going to see his best friend again that day. It had been almost a week since he'd last talked to her. After this he was leaving, going on vacation forever.
His phone rang and he knew who it was. The distinct ringer ID gave her away.
“Hello.”
The next few words crushed him.
“John, we have a little problem. I'm sorry but I can't get off work today. I won't be able to make it to your graduation.”
Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
Thanks for your comment karjon I like your considerations and you'll be happy to know that I changed the wee tale like you said. It does make it sound more hurtful at the end. Thanks
Regards Carlos =] |
 |
Comment by: karjon - 2008-06-12 16:40
|
|
Hi Carlos
Okay, a few picky things first:
“It's finally that day” he thought to himself. - you need a comma after 'day'. Cut 'to himself' - there's no one else he could be thinking to - it's not needed.
It had been almost a week since he last talked to her. - for tense consistency, that should be 'he'd last talked to her.'
His phone started ringing and he knew who it was. - 'his phone rang' is simpler.
“Hello” - missing full stop - or question mark, if you prefer.
I won't be able to make it to your graduation, sorry. - I'd make that last 'sorry' a new, one word sentence. Or cut it completely - leave us with the previous line - it hurts more that way.
Sorry for picking so much - but it is a good wee tale. Thanks for the read and for taking the challenge.
Cheers
Karen |
|
|
| Ah man that blows. Couldn't get out of work...come on! it's your graduation. Hope things work out for you, man. |
|
|
There was no rush, everything was ('was' is there four times in that paragraph. maybe, "Johnny took his time;" a semicolon would work better than a comma here)
"everything was going the way" (everything progressed the way...)
"He was going to see his best" Maybe: "He longed to see his best friend..."
he thought to himself. (Drop "to himself"-we already know who did the thinking)-subtracts two words
Last line you put sorry twice in her conversation. Need to drop the one on the end. He knows already she's sorry-subtracts a word-now you are within the word limit. |
|
|
| aweeee this is sooo sweet... It's nice to see a guy expose his feelings... nice work... |
| 1 2 Next |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
