Oh woe is me... (A little problem)
An iron clamp gripped her throat, cutting off her air supply. Tears formed in her eyes and fear rippled through her body. This could not be happening. This was certainly not how it was planned. How did this happen? Her heart sunk to her toes and her stomach gave away as she felt herself sink into a dark abyss. Life as she knew it was over. Hearing him walking around the bedroom whistling, sounding so carefree, made her heart ache. Feeling the hair on the back of her neck rise, her body stiffened and threatened to collapse.
Staggering into the room, she looked at him and said “We have a… small problem…” Grimacing, she handed him the small stick which was a magnificent royal blue.
Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
| i don't think this is a short story- i believe the length is considered flash fiction, good plot, well executed, timing is good and keeps the reader hungry for more tasty word treats, the word 'magnificent' at the end seems out of place to me and twists the meaning of the piece subtly toward the wrong place. thanks |
 |
Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-06-24 13:01
|
|
Hi Toni
Yep, nice take on the title and a good wee story.
Couple of repetitions you might want to take a look at:
This could not be happening. This was certainly not how it was planned. How did this happen?
Happening and happen so close together jars a little.
“We have a… small problem…” Grimacing, she handed him the small stick '
Small problem and small stick, again, too close together.
Other than that, well done.
Cheers
Karen |
 |
Comment by: chocca2 - 2008-06-12 13:35
|
|
| I really like this, Toni. The build up and pace was just right. Some really good descriptions too, making it an overall great short story! |
|
|
hi Toni.. youve boosted your writing skills in the past couple months. nice.
This could not be happening.
//liquid transition to internal dialog, cool.
Her heart sunk to her toes
//overwritten, cartoonish.
'staggering' and "grimacing" seemed a just a hair over the top too. to my ear.
nice work, you make vivid, active sentences. those nits are tiny tiny tiny tiny..
T |
|
|
| This is a really great little story. I love the way that I was clueless as to what the problem was until the very last line. Good use of suspense and tension. |
| 1 2 3 4 5 Next |
|
