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Wee challenge 37 - A Little Problem
"Look at him, got to be 12 points," whispered Dad as he lowered his eye to the scope on the rifle.
"Ah... Dad...?"
"Shhh, you're going to scare the buck away."
"Dad, I'm scared..."
"I told you, you had to be a man if you were going to come, that something was going to get shot today."
"D...Dad I think we have a little problem."
"Yeah we have a problem; you won't shut your trap."
"Seriously, Dad you have to turn around."
"You are never coming with me again."
"Dad look out!"
"DON'T SHOOT!" yelled Dad catching a glimpse of the black and white tail.
"Tomato juice?" asked the boy.
"Tomato juice," agreed Dad.
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-06-25 05:41
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Ah, okay - had to read the reviews to understand what was going on. But then, deer hunting and skunks are rare in Glasgow ;-) I've learned some new stuff - thanks for that.
Nicely done, Jennifer - thanks for the read and the wee bit of education.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: WLC - 2008-06-07 19:10
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LOL Jen---According to my hubby, rule #1 when deer hunting is: Whisper---and stay very still if a skunk approaches.
Maybe to tighten the first line: "Look at him, got to be 12 points," whispered Dad lowering his eye to the rifle scope.
Also third sentence could be tighter: "Shhhh, you're gonna scare the buck away."
Makes all tighter and gives you some more words to play with.
Fun tale of a hunting day gone awry! |
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| interesting... I didn't quite get it but I still liked it... felt like even though I had no idea what was going on that I was still there... learnt something new today as well... (tomato juice...) lol... |
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Comment by: troyarn - 2008-06-07 16:26
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Good story, Jennifer. I do think adding "the black and white tail" helped the reader fully realize that dad was in a skunks sites. And I remember an evil cousin of mine sitting naked in a tub full of tomato juice. Ah...what a fond memory.
Anyway, very good work. I enjoyed it and want to say "thanks"! |
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| Thanks Arley, I changed it up a bit. Living in the sticks you forget that not everyone knows tomato juice is the only way to get the skunk smell off. |
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